Fruit Dot Whacker
Be the guy who puts the little pricing code stickers on each
little piece of fruit in the supermarket. Great opportunities for those who
have an instinctive eye for the location of bruises that can be covered. Future
technology shows promise; it may be possible before long to put a pricing dot
on individual blueberries. Start training now and harvest the rewards!
Seasonal Pop Rocks Developer
Pop Rocks aren't just for breakfast anymore--an insatiable public,
showing the daring that made bungee-cord jumping a thrilling pursuit for
.000000001% of the population, will always want to test its mettle against the deadly Pop Rock. And it's even better in
season-appropriate flavors! Join the team that's working to create varieties
like Love Explosion (Valentine's Day), Krazy Fireworks (4th of July), Spooky
Boom (Halloween), Treez a-poppin' (Arbor Day), Flip Your Whig (Presidents Day),
and more! Great openings for young folks with strong teeth.
Strange Hair Cultivator
The Baby Boomers have been the cultural machines of our society,
and that's still the case even as they hobble into dotage. Watch as those
rockin' geezers take on the challenge of ear hair, nose hair, mole hair, back
hair, and hair sprouting in other weird places as we age! Yes sir, the
generation that's putting the Hip in Hip Fracture is looking for ways to make strange
hair fashionable--that's where you come in! Curl! Bob! Weave! Perm! See your
designs come to life in this growth industry!
Fat Guy Lifter
Hey, you muscular young types! More than a third of us ages twenty and up
are obese, and
those stairs aren't getting any flatter! Lifting fat people up onto things is
likely to be a goldmine in the years ahead. There are many, many things that
fat people need to get up onto--the SUV seat, the spike heels, the second-floor
landing, the buffet line--and you can help! Fat Guy Lifters can make all kinds
of cash, and best of all, when you get the inevitable hernia, you can go on disability for the rest of your life! So start shoving your fat friends
around now and get in shape to boost your fortunes!
Hit Victim
Want to make a change in society? Want to get half the nation to call you a hero for doing nothing? It's so easy! Crybullies have never been in so much demand. Just think of someone you knew twenty, thirty, forty years ago, someone who has risen to a place of prominence, and weepingly tell a tale of some horrible sexual misconduct by this person in the past. Watch as the Twitter mobs take up your banner to destroy this person's career, home, and family! "But Fred, lying is wrong, isn't it?" you ask. I say, if the person has risen to a place of prominence he must have screwed someone over; why not you? "But Fred, how do I monetize slander?" you ask. Are you kidding? I smell book deal just thinking about it! (Straight white males need not apply; all other eligible.)
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