Another musical mystery.

Hot on the heels of last Sunday's questions about the very catchy tune "1-2-3-4-5" from Sesame Street comes another one, all caused by Gilbert Gottfried.

The comedian hosts a foul-mouthed but funny and sometimes fascinating podcast, and several episodes recently were devoted to songs that charted by bands that disappeared---one-hit wonders. Like Middle of the Road, performing a song that sounded awfully familiar to me. I give you 1971's "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep":

I thought it sounded familiar, as I say, but no idea why. The song did break into the top 40 in America, but barely; while Middle of the Road's version hit #1 in the UK, it didn't chart in the U.S. The composer, Lally Stott, got to #92 with his own cut that same year, but it got its best reception here by Mac and Kate Kissoon, reaching #20:

And yet that didn't ring a bell with me either. But a day or so later it occurred to me where I'd heard it, or thought I did:

This campaign ran to death in the 1980s, for L'Air du Temps perfume. There was an UK version with French lyrics---same melody, though. It's different from "Chirpy," but that simple wavering melody seems to run through both.

Someone must have noticed this resemblance before. Did Lally Stott write the jingle? Depends when it was written; he died in an accident in 1977, age 32. No info on him doing commercial work.

Both the song and the ad campaign have a bird theme at work, so the same birdsong could have inspired both. It could be a coincidence, or a ripoff, or maybe I'm just hallucinating. The melody sounds pretty similar to me; what can I say?

Online I see that some people think Prince Matchabelli's Wind Song is a copy of L'Air du Temps, or vice versa, so someone's copying someone over something, I guess. In any event, the Wing Song jingle was a lot different, so you can't blame Matchabelli for this:

Your Wind Song stays on my miiiiiiiiiinnnnddd....

Boy, if I'd been at the fart joke age when that ad came out I'd have had a field day with it.

Dog haiku.

Things smell different
Rain-coaxed new scents blossoming
Papa's getting soaked

Throw the ball, fetch it
Throw the ball, fetch it again
Throw the--oh, skip it

I must bite my leash
You won't let me run amok
Take that, leash! Bite! Bite!

Hey! It's a squirrel!
Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel! Hey!
Damn! It got away!

Think I gotta poop
No one here to take me out
This could get ugly

The bowl is empty
No, that's okay, I don't mind
I'll just whine and whine

No, it was not I
That chewed the sofa cushions
I suspect the fish

Man from UPS
Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark
There---showed him who's boss

I learned not to jump
To sit, to stay, and to heel
I'm a PhD

Ran around and played
Walked and pooped and smelled the world
It's been a great day

Fun with Five.

The other day I was doing math---checkbook, not just for fun---when I thought of the old animation from Sesame Street about counting to five. Well, there were many of those; Sesame Street thoroughly indoctrinated us in the importance of counting up to numbers 2 through 12, and it seemed to require hundreds of different animated bits to spread the idea.

I didn't think anyone but I remembered it. Ha! Did it come after 1970? Then the Internet remembers:

I had remembered it even nuttier than this, that the singers were counting to five and cheering, as if it were the most fun party game ever and maybe everyone was so loaded that they thought it was. Five! Whee!

The Muppet Wiki, which I had no idea covered Sesame Street non-Muppet activities, tells us that Jim Henson produced the bit, that it was written by Keith Vernon Textor and Alan Robert Scott. Which one wrote the lyrics? (Hyuk!)

It also appeared on a 1975 Sesame Street album called The Count Counts, "covered" by the "band" Three Bat Night.

I have to wonder where Textor and Scott came up with the melody. I just picture them writing it to be part of a song, maybe something like "My Love in the Dew" (it was 1971, and many songs had titles like that) and not being able to get anyone interested in it. "The heck with it, let's give it to Henson," they said, and the rest is history. Or maybe Textor did the melody alone and Scott did the animation. The Muppet Wikia is silent on many of these details. But we know there's a story behind everything, and often it's quite interesting, After all, Keith Textor was a professional musician from the 1950s, and wrote the theme song for Candid Camera, which was heard for many years on TV. The Internet is less forthcoming about Alan Robert Scott, his partner.

So if Messers Textor or Scott are out there and can weigh in on the origin of "1-2-3-4-5," please drop us a line at frederick_key at yahoo.com. The Internet has solved many mysteries, but we have to fill in the gaps. We're counting on you!

Fazed.

We had a scare over at the Great Lileks's site, when it seemed like the host might be planning to change the comments format from Disqus to Facebook.

Now, I dislike the stupid Disqus ads that follow the commentary around, with clickbait like "Find Your Old Boyfriends' Secrets!" and "You'll Never Believe What Amy Winehouse Looks Like Now!" But the general consensus at Lileks.com was that we're just not Facebook people, or those who are use their real names on Facebook rather than a nom de Disqus so they can share pictures of the kids there with relatives.

You won't find your man Fred over on Facebook. I've been there before. But it's not the Facebook invasion of privacy or its general banality that keeps Frederick Key off the site. Google is probably a lot better at the invasion of privacy, and if you want to avoid banality you'll have to avoid the Internet entirely. And I have nothing against Facebook's endless supply of cat videos or relative's pictures; those are fine.

No, I think what puts me off most are the personal affirmations, which on the 'Net seem to fall into two types:

And then there's the demanding and needy appeal to social or political causes:

I don't know where these come from. They're clearly put together by people who are better at art and stealing pictures than I am. Then they are somehow scooped up by Facebook users and posted on their own pages.

Me, I'm more of a long-form guy. I'd rather write a short essay than repost something. So I don't need Facebook, and I'd rather not get involved in it.

And anyway, you can get all the cat videos you need from YouTube.

Water under the bridge.

Ah, summer at the pool...

Isn't that nice?

Not mine, but a yard I happened to pass a few weeks ago while walking the dog. I really admire the way they set it all up. When I passed by there yesterday the pool was sealed up like Tupperware for the fall.

When we got our house, I kind of wanted a pool; my wife definitely wanted one. But I knew how much trouble swimming pools are to maintain. They require daily effort, unless you hire a pool guy, and I wouldn't have been able to afford the pool, let alone the pool service. So I would have been spending time and money daily on something that we'd have used for three months out of the year. In these northern climes, you can pretty much only get in that water June through maybe part of September; the rest of the time it's like you joined the Polar Bear Club.

So the pool takes up a lot of money and yard space, and swimming pools notoriously add little value to house. And yet, if you use it, it's worth the time, trouble, and money.

Except most of the pools I see around here are not used. I've never seen a soul in many of the ones I pass regularly. Spring comes, the cover comes off; fall comes, the cover goes on. No one's been in the water. Maybe they're all flopping around like seals at midnight while I'm in bed. But I doubt it.

And no, I'm not obsessed with looking into people's pools.

I just think they're a mistake, at least in the north. Maybe in the south it's more of a thing, although even down there the water gets cold in the winter. Maybe in the north people used their swimming pools more before the ubiquity of air conditioning and the explosion of in-home entertainment.

When I was a kid we had six TV channels and no air conditioning. I think we'd have used the pool every day in the summer. Or would we?

Ultimately we human beings get used to everything good. We take things for granted, then we forget about them. Then, if we are deprived of something, even something we don't use, it's infuriating. I once heard a wealthy man, not a man who was born wealthy, say that he'd been embarrassed by his own behavior after he lost his patience when flying a regular commercial flight. Thing was, he'd gotten used to private jets and helicopters. Having to fly---the miracle of human aviation!---in a regular plane with regular people was a horrific experience for him. And then he understood why celebrities and high-level politicians begin to act like such bastards when they don't get their way---because they're used to all the good stuff and expect it all the time.

That's why stuff  does not matter, in the end. Stuff can do us in. Marie in The Jerk said, "I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff." Because she'd become addicted to the stuff.

So, a swimming pool and people to take care of it and everything else? Fine, but I'll pass. I'm spoiled enough as it is.

Anyway, I still can't afford it.

Bad words.

Here at Vitamin Fred, when we say we dislike bad words, we don't mean naughty words. Well, yes, we mean them too, since their overuse generally means the writer is too lazy to think of something new to say. 

But mainly, to us, bad words means words used in a bad fashion. One was brought to my attention recently by a fellow word nerd, the use of minute for a long time. This is something the kiddies seem to be doing. The example in Urban Dictionary is "Yo, I haven't seen you in a minute!" Which shows us that the people who make up our modern slang are complete drooling morons.

Also, that Urban Dictionary is the enemy of civilization.

Even those who are not straining themselves to be hip make mistakes in the language. Here are some bad words I find perfectly intelligent people using, and I merely ask you to be aware of these going forward.

if worst comes to worst; also if worse comes to worst
The expression is worse comes to worse, according to Webster's. It may seem to make less sense that way, but that's the way it is. I pointed that out to an editor whose book I was copyediting; turned out the author thought it looked better wrong. Okay, fine. As a copy editor, my job is not to make the writer feel as if he is stupid; it is to make him look as if he is intelligent.

at your beckon call
It's beck and call. Beckon call seems to make sense---beckon meaning to call. But beck is an archaic version of beckon, and that's when the expression originated (c. 14th century). Beckon call would be redundant. "At your call call."

scarf down
I may have to yield on this one; the expression is scoff down, but people have mistakenly said scarf down for  more than fifty years, which earned it a space in the dictionary. Which shows that consistency can help overcome stupidity. But it's still considered a mistake.

all intensive purposes
Should be all intents and purposes. The other way doesn't even make sense to me, but maybe others see something in it.

could care less
The classic. Of course, everyone in my family who said this actually meant that they couldn't care less; the context certainly didn't make it sound like there was room for some caring.

diffuse 
This is frustrating because it is very close to the word that is usually meant: defuse. I see diffuse used as a verb to mean to reduce danger, but it should be defuse, as in removing the fuse from an explosive. Diffuse as a verb means to spread out---which spreading out can often defuse a problem.

underway, everyday
These are actually fine in their place, which is not usually where they are found. Underway is an adjective, to describe something done while under way (adverb), like: People Express had an underway payment system where you could pay on the plane. But Let's get under way, already! requires the two-word adverb. Similarly, everyday is an adjective meaning normal, typical: everyday people. But every day means each day. Everyday people get on my nerves means that normal dull people annoy you; Every day people get on my nerves means that each day you are annoyed by people.

Finally, I'd like to point out that I am not a grammar Nazi. Nazis had a reputation for discipline and exactitude, but that's not what being a Nazi is about. Being a Nazi meant overthrowing standards and morals and inserting your own by force of will. It would mean burning the dictionary and starting one you like better, not obeying the dictionary as a rational standard. So no, I am not a grammar Nazi. I am a grammar Marine, baby. 

Telephone.