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| "No no NO NO NO!! You guys aren't supposed to be here for two more days! And where the HELL are my Lords a-Leaping? Has ANYONE seen the damn Lords a-Leaping?" |
Sunday, January 3, 2016
On the 10th day of Christmas.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
What will boys be named in 2016?
The data for 2015 is not out yet as of this writing, but the Social Security Administration has posted the rankings of names from 2014. These are boys' and girls' names for newborns in that year by popularity.
I would guess that 2015 won't be much different than 2014, which would mean that Noah would still enjoy a strong surge of popularity for boys. Frederick was wallowing down around #497, which means our hopes of a big rebound have yet to be realized. I never knew a single Noah growing up; like a lot of Old Testament names, besides Michael, it had lost a lot of juice. Now it's all the rage.
These things do change year by year, though. Top Ten 2014 names like Liam and Mason and Ethan will give way to others. Maybe Ezekiel or Tad or Amminadab. Who knows?
I would have thought Francis would have gotten a huge boost in 2014, Pope Francis being so popular among Catholics and non-Catholics alike since his elevation in 2013. But it only rose from #505 to #478. Sure, it jumped over Frederick, but that's not the papal name elevation one would have expected. And Frank is a great name. I've had lots of buddies named Frank.
It got me wondering if there were other papal names that ought to be revived, names that could use a dusting-off for boys. Maybe one of these could become popular boys' names for 2016. A lot of these men became saints, so it's a double tribute.
Linus (2nd pope)
Would be great, but will forever be the kid with the blanket now.
Hyginus (9th pope)
Sounds nice 'n clean, doesn't it?
Felix (three popes and two antipopes)
Nah; will always be the neat guy.
Innocent (13 popes, 1 antipope)
I just can't see it catching on.
Urban (8 popes)
This I can see catching on, but maybe for the wrong reasons. Like kids getting named "Brooklyn."
Sylvester (2.5 popes, 1.5 antipopes -- questions about Sylvester III)
Despite movie tough guy Stallone, people seem to be stuck on Sylvester as the name of a lisping cat. Hopeless.
Agapetus (2 popes)
Maybe would get traction in the Deep South, or in Park Slope.
Hilarius (46th pope)
Best name ever! But what a curse if he had no sense of humor.
Telesphorus (8th pope)
Impressive, but the kid would go through life with absolutely no one pronouncing his name properly. Sad.
Celestine (5 popes, 1 antipope)
Lovely name, but probably considered effeminate in the U.S.
Lando (121st pope)
Yes, really. Forget it.
Hormisdas (52nd pope)
Nah.
Zosimus (41st pope)
C'mon, that's awesome! Zosimus! Potent! Even its nicknames would be excellent! Zossy! Zozz! Zosman! Definitely deserves a look. Make it happen, moms!
I would guess that 2015 won't be much different than 2014, which would mean that Noah would still enjoy a strong surge of popularity for boys. Frederick was wallowing down around #497, which means our hopes of a big rebound have yet to be realized. I never knew a single Noah growing up; like a lot of Old Testament names, besides Michael, it had lost a lot of juice. Now it's all the rage.
These things do change year by year, though. Top Ten 2014 names like Liam and Mason and Ethan will give way to others. Maybe Ezekiel or Tad or Amminadab. Who knows?
I would have thought Francis would have gotten a huge boost in 2014, Pope Francis being so popular among Catholics and non-Catholics alike since his elevation in 2013. But it only rose from #505 to #478. Sure, it jumped over Frederick, but that's not the papal name elevation one would have expected. And Frank is a great name. I've had lots of buddies named Frank.
It got me wondering if there were other papal names that ought to be revived, names that could use a dusting-off for boys. Maybe one of these could become popular boys' names for 2016. A lot of these men became saints, so it's a double tribute.
Linus (2nd pope)
Would be great, but will forever be the kid with the blanket now.
Hyginus (9th pope)
Sounds nice 'n clean, doesn't it?
Felix (three popes and two antipopes)
Nah; will always be the neat guy.
Innocent (13 popes, 1 antipope)
I just can't see it catching on.
Urban (8 popes)
This I can see catching on, but maybe for the wrong reasons. Like kids getting named "Brooklyn."
Sylvester (2.5 popes, 1.5 antipopes -- questions about Sylvester III)
Despite movie tough guy Stallone, people seem to be stuck on Sylvester as the name of a lisping cat. Hopeless.
Agapetus (2 popes)
Maybe would get traction in the Deep South, or in Park Slope.
Hilarius (46th pope)
Best name ever! But what a curse if he had no sense of humor.
Telesphorus (8th pope)
Impressive, but the kid would go through life with absolutely no one pronouncing his name properly. Sad.
Celestine (5 popes, 1 antipope)
Lovely name, but probably considered effeminate in the U.S.
Lando (121st pope)
Yes, really. Forget it.
Hormisdas (52nd pope)
Nah.
Zosimus (41st pope)
C'mon, that's awesome! Zosimus! Potent! Even its nicknames would be excellent! Zossy! Zozz! Zosman! Definitely deserves a look. Make it happen, moms!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Man of the Year.
So here we are, 2016, and all the clams we can eat. What are your New Year's Resolutions?
Really? Is that right! You don't say! Well, well.
As for me, I've decided to look for a new role model for this year. Someone for whom I have great admiration. Someone we can all look up to and learn from. Someone famous, and yet someone familiar. Someone named Fred. Of course, I refer to:
Fred Flintstone? The cartoon character?
Yes, my imaginary objector, Fred Flintstone. Sure, he may not seem like much of a role model---loudmouthed, temperamental, fat, stuck in the stone age, etc. But I say his virtues far outweigh his defects. Here are my 10 reasons why Fred Flintstone is an excellent example to me and others:
1) He's a family man.
Fred is capable of noticing other women, and has been in the company of some fabulous ones, from the dangerous Madame Yes to the star Ann-Margrock to all the ladies running for Miss Water Buffalo. But he is only interested in his wife, Wilma. She may get jealous from time to time, and he's been known to sneak out for bowling and other manly pursuits, but she knows his love runs deep.
2) He's ambitious.
Call them get-rich-quick schemes if you will, but Fred can't be faulted for thinking small. He's tried crazy inventions, contests, songwriting, short-order cooking, acting, auto racing---he's even been willing to appear on TV in drag to win Wilma's bake-off when she was ill. He tries going to college at night to improve himself and his job. His plans to make his fortune may go awry, but he never gets down for long.
3) He's good in an emergency.
Unlike other cartoon men, especially cartoon fathers, who are completely useless dodos in times of crisis, Fred does the right thing when the rock chips are down. Woman going into labor? Fred drives her to the hospital in a school bus. Alien invasion? Fred chases away the Fred duplicates and saves the day. When everything is going to hell, you want a man like Fred.
4) He's comfortable with himself.
Fred knows he's chubby and has a big mouth and doesn't care a bit, unless someone really puts the screws on him, some killjoy who loves to shame people for fun. When you get right down to it, Fred really likes himself and others, and greets the world with bonhomie, until the world spits in his face. Then he's not afraid to defend himself, either.
5) He has a good conscience.
When Fred does something wrong, Fred cannot live with himself. He tries, as when he takes credit for his pal Barney's heroics, but he can't, and has to make things right. When faced with the villainy of the Green Goose he wants to walk away, but finds that he must confront the danger whatever the consequences, lest his and everyone's children grow up in a world ruled by evil. When he and Barney accidentally join the army, they do not try to lie their way out, but see it through to the end. Ultimately, Fred is a man of his word.
6) He's a real man.
Fred's a strong man, a man who hauls rocks out of a quarry, a man who can work an honest day and bring home an honest day's pay. A man who enjoys manly pastimes, like golf and eating and practical jokes and hanging at the lodge and a good smoke. A man who can drag an entire team of high school boys over the goal line. But he has his all-too-human flaws. Despite his powerful conscience, Fred can lie, chisel, and talk about others behind their backs, but when he knows he's done wrong he makes amends. Fred's been through a lot, including a well-known addiction to gambling that has plagued him in Rock Vegas, caused him to lose his stuff to Arnold the hated paperboy, and even made him neglect his baby in a parking lot. Fred struggles to conquer his addiction, though, and is all the better for it.
7) He's loyal.
Fred will do what he must for those he loves. When he thinks Barney is counterfeiting money, does he let his pal get caught? No, he spends his own money to protect his friend. To make extra money for the baby Wilma is expecting, Fred works nights driving a cab. The people in Fred's life knows that he's true blue.
8) He can adapt to extraordinary circumstances.
Green aliens with superpowers, jewel thieves, amnesia, killers, doppelgangers of tycoons and kings and spies, filling in for Santa Claus, time travel---whatever life throws at Fred, he adjusts as best he can. He may complain, but he never says die.
9) He's talented.
Fred is often getting knocked for his lousy singing voice, and yet he finds success as pop singer Hi-Fye, and again as part of a group singing an advertising jingle. His singing fails to chase away the Swedish musicians staying in his house, so how bad could it be? Hey, he sung on stage with Ann-Margrock! And remember, he also started a national dance craze with the Flintstone Frantic. The guy is a natural!
10) He's cheerful.
Despite the overbearing nature of his boss, his mother-in-law, and virtually every salesman in Bedrock, despite all the adventures he is roped into against his will, despite his hard job and his occasional problems at home, despite any and all adversity, Fred cheerily greets quittin' time and all of life's other little victories with a hearty "Yabba Dabba DOO!"
In addition to all this, he's perfectly used to life in the stone age, which is where we'll all be if the enemies of America and Western civilization get their way.
So come on, everybody! Let's hear it for Fred!
Really? Is that right! You don't say! Well, well.
As for me, I've decided to look for a new role model for this year. Someone for whom I have great admiration. Someone we can all look up to and learn from. Someone famous, and yet someone familiar. Someone named Fred. Of course, I refer to:
Yes, my imaginary objector, Fred Flintstone. Sure, he may not seem like much of a role model---loudmouthed, temperamental, fat, stuck in the stone age, etc. But I say his virtues far outweigh his defects. Here are my 10 reasons why Fred Flintstone is an excellent example to me and others:
1) He's a family man.
Fred is capable of noticing other women, and has been in the company of some fabulous ones, from the dangerous Madame Yes to the star Ann-Margrock to all the ladies running for Miss Water Buffalo. But he is only interested in his wife, Wilma. She may get jealous from time to time, and he's been known to sneak out for bowling and other manly pursuits, but she knows his love runs deep.
2) He's ambitious.
Call them get-rich-quick schemes if you will, but Fred can't be faulted for thinking small. He's tried crazy inventions, contests, songwriting, short-order cooking, acting, auto racing---he's even been willing to appear on TV in drag to win Wilma's bake-off when she was ill. He tries going to college at night to improve himself and his job. His plans to make his fortune may go awry, but he never gets down for long.
3) He's good in an emergency.
Unlike other cartoon men, especially cartoon fathers, who are completely useless dodos in times of crisis, Fred does the right thing when the rock chips are down. Woman going into labor? Fred drives her to the hospital in a school bus. Alien invasion? Fred chases away the Fred duplicates and saves the day. When everything is going to hell, you want a man like Fred.
4) He's comfortable with himself.
Fred knows he's chubby and has a big mouth and doesn't care a bit, unless someone really puts the screws on him, some killjoy who loves to shame people for fun. When you get right down to it, Fred really likes himself and others, and greets the world with bonhomie, until the world spits in his face. Then he's not afraid to defend himself, either.
5) He has a good conscience.
When Fred does something wrong, Fred cannot live with himself. He tries, as when he takes credit for his pal Barney's heroics, but he can't, and has to make things right. When faced with the villainy of the Green Goose he wants to walk away, but finds that he must confront the danger whatever the consequences, lest his and everyone's children grow up in a world ruled by evil. When he and Barney accidentally join the army, they do not try to lie their way out, but see it through to the end. Ultimately, Fred is a man of his word.
6) He's a real man.
Fred's a strong man, a man who hauls rocks out of a quarry, a man who can work an honest day and bring home an honest day's pay. A man who enjoys manly pastimes, like golf and eating and practical jokes and hanging at the lodge and a good smoke. A man who can drag an entire team of high school boys over the goal line. But he has his all-too-human flaws. Despite his powerful conscience, Fred can lie, chisel, and talk about others behind their backs, but when he knows he's done wrong he makes amends. Fred's been through a lot, including a well-known addiction to gambling that has plagued him in Rock Vegas, caused him to lose his stuff to Arnold the hated paperboy, and even made him neglect his baby in a parking lot. Fred struggles to conquer his addiction, though, and is all the better for it.
Fred will do what he must for those he loves. When he thinks Barney is counterfeiting money, does he let his pal get caught? No, he spends his own money to protect his friend. To make extra money for the baby Wilma is expecting, Fred works nights driving a cab. The people in Fred's life knows that he's true blue.
8) He can adapt to extraordinary circumstances.
Green aliens with superpowers, jewel thieves, amnesia, killers, doppelgangers of tycoons and kings and spies, filling in for Santa Claus, time travel---whatever life throws at Fred, he adjusts as best he can. He may complain, but he never says die.
9) He's talented.
Fred is often getting knocked for his lousy singing voice, and yet he finds success as pop singer Hi-Fye, and again as part of a group singing an advertising jingle. His singing fails to chase away the Swedish musicians staying in his house, so how bad could it be? Hey, he sung on stage with Ann-Margrock! And remember, he also started a national dance craze with the Flintstone Frantic. The guy is a natural!
10) He's cheerful.
Despite the overbearing nature of his boss, his mother-in-law, and virtually every salesman in Bedrock, despite all the adventures he is roped into against his will, despite his hard job and his occasional problems at home, despite any and all adversity, Fred cheerily greets quittin' time and all of life's other little victories with a hearty "Yabba Dabba DOO!"
In addition to all this, he's perfectly used to life in the stone age, which is where we'll all be if the enemies of America and Western civilization get their way.
So come on, everybody! Let's hear it for Fred!
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Predictable end-of-year blog?
I refuse to write a "summing up of the year" item, or a "predictions for the year to come" item. It's not because I'm superior to writers who are doing that. It's just that 2015 had too much suckitude for summation, and because I'm a terrible predictor. Besides, I have little reason to anticipate 2016 being filled with wonderful things.
I admit I'm in a bad place, as they say. Newark, actually. No, Newark is not a bad place. Well, parts of the place are a bad place. That's not what I mean. I'm in a bad place that makes me lose control of my own jokes. And my dreams have gone off, like a salmon in the sun.
Tuesday I dreamed I was working an office job that I knew nothing about. That afternoon I had to find time to film the final of a cooking competition show, and I didn't know what I was going to cook, but I saw the other two competitors telling the producers what they expected to make so they would have the equipment and ingredients available. That night, I knew, I was making a debut on Broadway, and I had absolutely no idea what any of my lines were, or even what the play was about.
The last one is a classic nightmare, but I've only had one like it a couple of times in my life. Here I was compounding it with not knowing what my job was and not knowing what I was supposed to do on national TV. All three of these things---good job, part on Broadway, TV spot---are things people would aspire to, and all of them only led me toward disaster because I was unprepared.
Last night's theater of the stupid subconscious was even more bizarre. Based on my dreams, I'll just say this:
1) David Wright is a nice guy but a scary driver;
2) It's impossible to do cartographical verification when you A) don't know what you're doing and B) are being driven around by a lunatic third baseman;
3) If Suicide Squad and The Hateful Eight are as weird and unsettling as in my dreams, they are destined for tiny cult status; and
4) It's hardly fair that a fellow who works so hard at corporate HQ has to go vacuum a store for its grand reopening.
I don't even want to talk about the dog in the dishwasher.
Clearly, the toys in the attic are in the midst of a full Toy Story revolt, and so if I had to make one prediction for me for 2016, it would probably be counseling, or some strong form of medication. Well, let's get through New Year's Eve and see how things look on the other side.
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| Startin' already. |
Tuesday I dreamed I was working an office job that I knew nothing about. That afternoon I had to find time to film the final of a cooking competition show, and I didn't know what I was going to cook, but I saw the other two competitors telling the producers what they expected to make so they would have the equipment and ingredients available. That night, I knew, I was making a debut on Broadway, and I had absolutely no idea what any of my lines were, or even what the play was about.
The last one is a classic nightmare, but I've only had one like it a couple of times in my life. Here I was compounding it with not knowing what my job was and not knowing what I was supposed to do on national TV. All three of these things---good job, part on Broadway, TV spot---are things people would aspire to, and all of them only led me toward disaster because I was unprepared.
Last night's theater of the stupid subconscious was even more bizarre. Based on my dreams, I'll just say this:
1) David Wright is a nice guy but a scary driver;
2) It's impossible to do cartographical verification when you A) don't know what you're doing and B) are being driven around by a lunatic third baseman;
3) If Suicide Squad and The Hateful Eight are as weird and unsettling as in my dreams, they are destined for tiny cult status; and
4) It's hardly fair that a fellow who works so hard at corporate HQ has to go vacuum a store for its grand reopening.
I don't even want to talk about the dog in the dishwasher.
Clearly, the toys in the attic are in the midst of a full Toy Story revolt, and so if I had to make one prediction for me for 2016, it would probably be counseling, or some strong form of medication. Well, let's get through New Year's Eve and see how things look on the other side.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Bat tree.
"Welcome to the Bat Phone. Your call is important to us. For English, press one. Para español, presione dos."
[1]
"Please listen carefully, as our options have changed. For the escape of a supervillain, press one. For a random crime spree, press two. For a new, undocumented supervillain, press three. For a crowd disturbance, press four. For organized criminals that need hurting, press five. For miscellaneous punching, press six. For all other options, press seven. To hear these options again, press zero."
[1]
"For insane clowns, press one. For costumed thieves, press two. For metahumans, press three. For monsters, press four. For mad scientists, press five. For assassins, press six. For serial killers, press seven. For general wackos, press eight. To return to the main menu---"
[2]
"For Riddler, press one. For Puzzler, press two. For Catwoman, press three. For Magpie, press four. For---"
[1]
"If there has been a crime, press one. If there is a riddle threatening a crime, press two. If there has been no activity yet by this suspect, press three."
[2]
"Thank you for alerting Batman. Batman knows there are other superheroes you could call, and appreciates your trust in his crimefighting. Please hold the line and a costumed representative will be with you shortly."
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
That's showbiz.
Coming off his boffo performance for the Newborn King in Bethlehem, the Little Drummer Boy took the show on the road, banging his drum in various midwiferies and nurseries---but failed to meet with the same success.
Monday, December 28, 2015
What I got for Christmas.
Bat pants! Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Bat pants! Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Bat pants! Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Bat pants! Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Bat pants! Bat pants! Bat pants!
Na na na na na na na na na
Bat paaaaaaannnntss!!!!!
Our old friend Mr. Philbin dropped me a line to ask whether, as I lurched between complaints and whining on one hand and soggy sentimentalism on the other, I had actually received anything for Christmas. I assured him that I was a very good boy this year, and to prove it, I showed him, and now you, my new Bat pants.
My wife gave me these lounging pants, with the instruction that I may not wear them outside unless it's very dark.
I don't think that's enough, actually. I ought not to wear them outside at all. The Bat-Signal design is pretty bright. What if it actually summons Batman? He'd punch me in the nose for a false alarm.
Didn't work. She said I had to take the dog out anyway.
I love the Bat pants, and I got several other nifty presents as well. None of the others were pants-like, although some were clothing. Tasteful clothing. Not Underoos. They make them for adults now, you know.
Although if Underoos are meant to be worn on the inside, would that make them more appropriate than my Bat pants, which are worn on the outside?
I'd hate to be rushed to the hospital wearing Underoos, though.
Anyway, I loved almost all my presents, including my Bat pants, and I thank the givers very much.
Worst present I opened? Exploding dye pack. Not funny, guys.
I love the Bat pants, and I got several other nifty presents as well. None of the others were pants-like, although some were clothing. Tasteful clothing. Not Underoos. They make them for adults now, you know.
Although if Underoos are meant to be worn on the inside, would that make them more appropriate than my Bat pants, which are worn on the outside?
I'd hate to be rushed to the hospital wearing Underoos, though.
Anyway, I loved almost all my presents, including my Bat pants, and I thank the givers very much.
Worst present I opened? Exploding dye pack. Not funny, guys.
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