Crypto security!

Friends, America is once again in danger of voting for communist leadership, and we know that will mean more towering inflation, more recession, more crime. So, should you invest in gold? Hah! You know as well as I do that with the price of gold these days, your life savings could be reduced to a nugget that you could hide in your underpants. Even if you wear thongs. And if you do, please don't tell me.

No, I know you want to put your American dollars into a good, solid cryptocurrency. One of the big-name outfits like Bitcoin or HodagCoin something, right? 

Heck, no! Not only are those cryptos overhyphed, but they're ruining the world for nothing! Just look at this item from The Guardian. Computer data is sucking energy out of everything, and the world of artificial intelligence is just getting started.  

With the refusal of our betters to make more power plants, use more natural gas, and fire up more nukes, all this computing is bound to help drive your energy costs up. And so much of this computing is just junk data storage. 

Supposedly as much as two percent of all US energy generation is going just to mine cryptos. The useful being wasted on the meaningless. It's a shame. 

Unless you buy all-natural, all-awesome Fredcoin! 

Not only is Fredcoin better for the environment, it's safer, too! 

You think other cryptocurrencies are really secure? You can blockchain all you want; every crypto account is attached to a network, and every better mousetrap invites a better mouse. 

That's where good ol' reliable American FREDCOIN is once again proven to be the superior cryptocurrency!

Why? Because we don't run some fancy juice-sucking AI-empowered computer network, vulnerable to hackers or disgruntled employees or any other kind of jerkface weenie money-stealers. No, we have taken important steps to make sure our database is never in danger from bad actors on the Internet. I absolutely guarantee it! 

But how, Fred? you ask, astonished. Nothing on the Internet of Things is really safe!

Well, you put your finger right on the answer. Behold the secret of our security -- the master computer that runs the whole Fredcoin empire: A Tandy TRS-80 Model 4P!

“Ol’ Smoky Joe”

That's right -- Ol' Smoky is not and cannot be connected to the Internet, so all its information is as secure as a safe deposit box. It would have to be physically hacked, and that's not happening. Anyone who tries to break in here will have to face the jaws of doom (golden retriever Izzy) and my angry wife with a Louisville Slugger. 

Furthermore, the Tandy uses way, way less energy than all those big wasteful computers run by the hypocrites in Silicon Valley, the nerds who want you to keep your A/C at 85 degrees while they suck up all the juice to make lousy art with people with twenty fingers. 

All you do is send in your Fredcoin order with some of that soon-to-be-worthless US currency. Our crack staff (me) will put it in your account, and Ol' Smoky Joe will do the rest. It's a flawless system! It's completely safe! And if the grid goes down, the Tandy can be powered by our emergency crew of hamsters, just standing by to run that wheel.  

So don't go messing around with those ridiculous cryptos that can be wiped out because the founder lost the password. Mess around with Fredcoin, the crypto that's as solid as Radio Shack itself! With Ol’ Smoky, 26 pounds of computin’ fury, you can’t go wrong.