Bad analogies.

Bad analogies are as old as analogies. 

This has been making the rounds among my editorial acquaintances; no idea if it's real, but it's funny.

I'm particularly fond of #3, which I think is not bad at all, and #7. That one reminds me of a favorite from the BBC's Goon Show, spoken by Harry Secombe in the episode called "China Story": "In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of the silence being broken." It's not an analogy exactly, but a kind of analogous tautology. Here's another, from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." 

The British may be very good at this bad-writing-for-effect stuff. 

The above may be bad analogies, but as I always say, to really screw up you need an expert. I, as a writer and editor, would like to present some bad analogies of my own. 

1. I tried to get him to talk, but his lips were clamped tighter than a dog's who got hold of a sock when you told him a hundred times to stop chewing on socks but he doesn't listen because he's a naughty boy, yes he is, yes he is.

2. It's as hot as a hot thing.

3. She was cute as a baby otter, and twice as smart.

4. It was pricier than a $1000 whore.

5. He had a phonographic memory.

6. He was as mad as a guy who got one of those fake scratch-off lottery tickets and fell for it like a dumdum.

7. He was hornier than an ibex who got thrown off Tinder.

8. Gout is really painful. She felt like she had gout in her heart. You can't get gout in your heart, but her heart hurt like she had.

9. "He's totally doornailed, man!"

10. She was free as a bird and crappin' on everybody. 

Okay, maybe they're not bad enough to be good, but they could be good enough to be bad!