Cereal killahs.

I know many people were impressed by Joe Biden's harrowing tale of a confrontation in 1962 with a gangsta named Corn Pop. Back then, Mr. Biden says, he was the only white lifeguard at a city pool in Wilmington, Delaware, and after sending the disruptive Mr. Pop out of the pool, the latter promised to meet Joe with his straight razor and give him an exceptionally close shave. But Mr. Biden used his famous charm to patch things up with the gang leader, and they became pals, like Max und Moritz.

Well, I want to go on record as saying that I, too, have met my share of badasses and punks, and emerged little worse for wear.

Yo yo yo, just sit yo heinie down while I lay it all out for y'all. Your man Special Fred has gone toe-to-toe with big-timers like:

Alfa Bitts -- Saw this muthah selling smart pills outside the elementary school for a dollar. Saw they was just deer poop. Kid buys one, spits it out, says "It's poop!" Alfa says, "See? You smarter already." Was gonna bust him but he cut me in on the action.

Rice Chexxx -- Part of the Czech mob, Chexxx was one bad hombre. We crossed paths when I stole a Zenith hi-fi console from loot he already stole. His gang tied me up and was gonna cut me up. But it turned out Chexxx came from a humble family of coal miners, just like me! After we bonded over that, he not only let me keep the console, he threw in an eight-track tape player.

Apple Jack -- Ol' fart, used to walk around uptown threatening people while drinking that stuff made from apples. I took him aside one day, got to talkin', turned out he was off his crazy meds because the insurance wouldn't cover it! I said I knew some people, dig? We got him covered and strapped down with IV drugs in a VA hospital. It was a big f'n deal, yo. Then he got an infection and died.

Cracklin' Oat Brando -- Violent suckah, told me if I got in his way he'd go through me "like Sherman through Georgia, yo." I said I wouldn't run; there was no reason to get all flushed, we were all the same down deep. He admired my intestinal fortitude.

Fruity Pebbles -- Head of the Stonewallers, Fruity wanted to run me outta town. I said hey, let's get a latte and talk. We wound up going to the Halloween parade together. I got a Snickers and two Almond Joys!

Weeta Bix -- Sista was gonna pound me because she heard what I done to her sis, Weet Tina. Said I was actin' creepy, sniffin' her hair and stuff. I said hell no! And if you don't believe me, you ain't female! I woke up in the ER six hours later.

Grape Nutz -- This suckah was about to blow me away with a shotgun. So I stuck my fingers in the muzzle and it blew up in his face. Kickin' it Looney style.

Cheery O -- British underworld leader, working for Michael Steele in MI5. Tried to get me to cough up info on Russian collusion for a skimpy 20 G's. Told him kiss my leotard, man, ain't no collusion at all. He says Pip pip, whate'er, chap, I'll just make sump'in up anyway. Loser. Wonder what happened to him.