House of mystery.

There used to be a fellow about my age who walked his big fluffy dog down the street from time to time. She was a sweet dog and I'm pretty sure my XXL dog Tralfaz was in love with her (even though he's been fixed, but boys will be boys), so I always had to make sure my dog was leashed when I saw them coming. Once in a blue moon his teenage daughter would walk the dog instead, but we never spoke.

I did speak with the guy on a few occasions. Or rather, he spoke with me. Very friendly, but one of these people who never stop talking, and I mean never. Stream of consciousness, almost. Never listened, never asked questions. Just rattled off whatever was on his mind, then wished me a good day and off he went. He never told me his name, or the name of dog, or what he did for a living, or any personal details at all. He never asked for mine, either. I only know what house he lived in because I saw him go in with the dog once.

One day he said they were thinking of moving back across the Hudson. Next thing I knew, they were gone. Poof.

The house looks completely empty, nothing on the porch, never any cars around, but there have never been any no for-sale signs. Realtor.com says the house is not for sale, and has not been for sale since it was built in 1998. I also can find no sign of anyone advertising to rent the property out.

I told my wife it could be an FBI safe house. or even more likely, run by the US Marshals for the witness protection program (actually the Witness Security Program). She thinks I'm nuts -- well, she thought that anyway. But it adds up.

We have this image from the entertainment media of people being hidden by the Marshals for years or even decades from the villains who would take horrible revenge on them. ("After we testified against the Verduras mob, our lives are worthless! If El Nabo finds us, it will be a fate worse than kale!") But Mental Floss tells us that the typical stay in the Witness Security Program is no more than six months. Not that they're shuffled back to the scene of the crime; the families are supposed to become self-supporting after half a year.

Well, if the family living here was unable to do that in this neighborhood, that would explain the vanishing act. About the time WITSEC (as the cops call it) told the guy, "You know, we're cutting you off at the end of the month," he would have realized they couldn't afford or just didn't want to stay here and it was time to bug out. So, he dropped hints that he was thinking about leaving, loaded up the suitcases, and left under cover of darkness with their overseer lighting the way. That's my theory.

Either that, or he just up and abandoned the house. But the house hasn't taken on signs of abandonment. Just emptiness. You know the difference. Like, someone is still cutting the grass. Like, someone is stopping in every once in a while to check the pipes and windows.

I'm leaning toward Witness Security. So the next time I see a new family magically appear, I will assume they have dirt on somebody dangerous.

Maybe I should study the faces of the people involved in the Jeffrey Epstein case. I hear he didn't hang himself....