So what's out there on Black Friday?

I ask myself: Self, is it worth shopping on Black Friday? 

And I answer: No.

I think I've related this before, but in living memory -- the 1990s, damn it -- Black Friday may have been a financial thing for the stores, turning red ink of debt to black ink of profit, but for shoppers it was not such a big deal. The day after Thanksgiving my wife and I went to a mall at 10:00 a.m. to get through early before the crowds started. Indeed, there was hardly anyone there, and a lot of the stores were just opening, and many opened late, because the day before had been a big holiday and the whole mall was closed. We were there for a couple of hours, tops, and the place was still not crowded. 

What the flaming hell has happened to us since, people? How have we gone so insane in a little over twenty years? 

I don't associate Thanksgiving with doorbusters. I still associate it with the more traditional pantsbusters. 

Anyway, take it from me, the stuff out there isn't worth fighting over. I'm serious. Some things are fun, like this wine bottle gift bag that I liked enough to take a picture of but not enough to buy, except now I wish I had gotten a couple but I'm not going back today:

A couple of people on my wife's list are getting wine, and they could probably use the reminder that Santa's always watching. So are the state troopers.

Then there's these fabulous items, seen on JCPenney's site:

Yes, you can get great deals on a decorative skull wearing a crown. The eyes are battery powered. I think it would make a perfect bong, but doesn't appear to be suited for that use. I don't actually know what the hell it is supposed to be used for. Halloween? Day of the Dead? But what's up with the crown?

You can also get great deals on this watermelon tapper, a product that seems like a bad idea to me. You hollow out the watermelon, pour in the booze-laden beverage, and you have an instant party drink server. The problem is that I don't think it comes with some kind of feet to keep the watermelon propped up, and in my experience melons tend to roll a lot. I can't see this not making a sticky mess.

Meanwhile, over at Sears, which still exists, we have the Jaclyn Smith home collection. I yield to no man in my admiration for Smith, and much of the Sears home collection that bears her name is pretty nice. But this blog being what it is, I had to zero in on the thing that struck me as all wrong:

This Christmas tree ornament is supposed to be a ring of reindeer horns, but I think that 100% of Christians would think it was Christ's crown of thorns. I have no objection to Christian symbols on a Christmas tree; I have a decorative cross with a quote from Chesterton on mine, actually. I might even go with a crown of thorns, a reminder of the salvation behind the Incarnation -- but not made of reindeer horns. That's a badly mixed metaphor. As if Santa was a Roman prison guard. Who puts horns in a ring, anyway?

Finally, I saw this in Walmart and was completely not tempted to buy it, but I sort of admired it all the same:

Yes, men (for this was in the men's clothing section), you too can get the Deranged Easter Bunny Suit as worn by Ralphie in the film classic A Christmas Story. Don't you want to come downstairs on Christmas morning looking like a pink nightmare? Neither do I. But if you must, or you must give it to someone on your list, remember to get this genuine Christmas Story version of the suit, complete with the attached bunny slippers.

If this all hasn't saved you from making a foray out into retail madness, there's not much else I can say. Humor writer Dave Barry has yet to release his annual gift guide, which is a shame, because that usually kills every desire anyone has to shop ever again. Good luck, and let us know if you survive.