Just crack a joke.

I kind of didn't want to, but I wound up doing it anyway. I tried Just Crack an Egg.

Yes, Just Crack an Egg, brought to us by Ore-Ida, the folks that made American frozen potatoes great with Tater Tots. It's a scientific fact that most American children would starve without chicken fingers and Tater Tots, or at least that is what they would tell you. Their blood is about 12% ketchup. Despite this, parent company Kraft Heinz may be selling off the famed potato division. 

I dunno, maybe Just Crack an Egg will keep the brand afloat, even though it is among the dumbest brand names ever. It's right up there with Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Then again, those brands have been around for a long time.

The whole pitch of this product is that you unload the contents of a fresh egg into the package, nuke it, and you have breakfast. My wife got furious at the very idea. She thought this was such an easy thing to make on your own that the idea of buying the cup full of crap and mixing in a raw egg was the height of sloth disguised as actual cooking. Of course she blames Millennials. "Laziest bunch of sustainability-preaching hypocrites ever born" is how she phrased it.

Look, I understand that mornings can be hectic -- isn't that always the word? Hectic? Even a monk living in a cell who eats dust says, "Oy vey, so hectic in the morning." That's why we have Pop-Tarts. And maybe you get sick of them or cold cereal every morning. But you have just ten minutes before the bus comes. I broad-mindedly said, like Al Smith, let's look at the record! In other words, let's crack an egg!

Here's the instructions on the package:

Oh, now, wait a minute! This is a five-step process! it's not "just crack an egg," it's 1) remove lid and 2) CRACK EGG and 3) empty food pouches and 4) stir and 5) nuke. Worse, you have to not just crack the egg but get it into the cup. AND the microwaving is a multi-step process of zapping and stirring... Come on, dude! This is, like, cooking now. I can't even.

Here are the "pouches" mentioned in the instructions -- yum.

This particular JCaE was an egg/cheese/sausage/peppers/onions cup called Ultimate Scramble, one of eight varieties. I got this one because it was the ULTIMATE! I would never need another scramble! ("Ultimate Scramble" sounds like the staging directions for a Harold Lloyd picture, actually.)

The proof of the scramble is in the eating. So, how was it?

Well, it was okay. The breakfast sausage was uninspiring, but the potatoes and bell peppers came through all right. It needed seasoning, some more pepper and perhaps some basil or oregano -- but c'mon man, that's work. I wanted to just crack an egg! It did nuke up fine, egg fluffy and no hard potato bits, so it could be worse. And it cost less than $1.50 on sale, not counting my contribution (egg).

I think the dumb name is still bothering me the most. There's just something so violently stupid about it. Maybe the ideal morning would be to get up, shower using Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific, eat a Just Crack an Egg and some toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and drive off in your Honda Step on the Gas Pedal Car.

You know what our ancestors did when they were hungry? Just crack an elk. They may not have had iPhones but they knew how to survive. Just saying.