Last-minute pitch.

My fellow Americans,

Today I address you with concern and urgency. Concergency, I call it. Has a certain ring to it.

This is election day, as you know, because our technological overlords in Silicon Valley continue to remind us to vote. And we simple subjects know that vote we must, no matter how ignorant we may be. You may have been sitting there, looking for cat videos on Facebook, and suddenly Facebook reminded you to vote. Quick! Drop your iPad! Run out the door! Find a polling place! It hardly matters which! Just vote!

Yes, friends, the message behind my concergency (see? It's catching on) is this: Vote. Why? Because. Because we politicians need jobs. You have the power to provide them. You can make a difference. You, and a large variety of voters, dead voters, felons, and illegal al-- I mean, undocumented dreamers, can vote, and in some precincts may be able to vote many times. See what you can do.

Without your votes, we politicians have no jobs. It's sad to watch a fifteen-term congressman shuffle off, rejected by his constituency, to accept another $50 million paycheck as a K Street lobbyist. How much sadder if he's only been there five terms, and is worth so much less. Is it too much to ask that you do your bit to keep him going until he can get the big money? It would mean so much.

But make sure you don't waste your vote by voting for them. No, not THEM. They want to cut your benefits. They want to throw Grandma in the street. They want to burn down your schools. They want to arm toddlers with Uzis. Do you know how much recoil an Uzi has? They don't care. They're in the pockets of Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Coal, Big Chem, Big Banks, Big Rutabaga. You'd have to have a three-piece suit with two pairs of pants for all the pockets they are in.

We want sunshine and lollipops and unicorns and fairy dust. You like sunshine, don't you? Here's some now. Free!

🌞

I've heard your concerns. I know what you want in politics. You want clean government. You want lower taxes. You want jobs. You want all kinds of goodies like strong defense and healthcare and retirement money and free college and art grants and carve-outs for your industry. And I am here today to tell you, if you vote for me, you will be sure to get something. Not this stuff, but something. I guarantee it.

People worry that there's too much graft, too much nepotism, too much waste, too much bureaucratic nonsense. And I share your worries. In fact, my office paid my nephew to write a 15,000-page report on graft, nepotism, waste, and bureaucratic nonsense so we can get to the bottom of these problems, and indeed we will if he ever writes it and I ever read it.

You see, it's not a matter of pride or civic duty. It comes down to simple economics. Yes, it's the economy, stupid. Not that you're stupid! No, I'd never say that on a live microphone! What I mean is, you need a congressman, I need to keep my job, and we can work it out. And if you don't wish to vote for me, remember, there's a caravan of new voters heading for the border as we speak; next November will be a different story.

Yes, my concergency (yay new word!) should be yours, and thus you should definitely pull the lever to send me back to Congress. Please. At least until there are a few more openings on K Street.