Limitations of dogs.

You all know that I love my dogs. Well, if this is your first visit to this page, you may not. Let me explain: I love my dogs. There, that's settled.

But -- and with dogs, there's always a but, usually being sniffed -- dogs have some serious limitations. For example: People may not be aware of this, but a dog license does not actually empower your dog to drive a motor vehicle! I know, right? Crazy!

SMDH.

Embarrassed.

Here are some other limitations of dogs that I have had to learn the hard way.

🐕 Dogs can't do their own nails. You always have to take them out to get a pedi-pedi. And guess who pays? You!

🐕 On that point, dogs never have any money. Go ahead, ask your dog if you can borrow a few bucks and get ready for his lame excuses. They never even carry wallets! If a dog asks you to lunch, I guarantee he'll claim he lost his wallet when the check comes.

🐕 No matter how hard it's raining or how much you have to hold, you can't get the dog to carry the umbrella.

🐕 If your dog volunteers to clean the toilet, don't let him. He'll just lick it. Which doesn't actually clean it to exacting specifications.

🐕 Dogs make lousy dental hygienists.

🐕 Dogs are also terrible cooks.

🐕 And don't ask them to do the dishes. They do dishes the same way they clean the toilet. Sometimes right afterward.

🐕 You may get excited when your dog says he has a gift for you. Calm down. It's either something dead, something almost dead, or something previously digested. Dogs don't order from catalogs.

🐕 Dogs cannot read. This is one reason they are lousy co-pilots. They cannot read maps and they're useless with smartphones. You may think that lending your dog a pair of reading glasses will enable him to read. A common mistake.

🐕 Dogs interview well, and yet almost never have jobs. Why is that? They just hang around all the time.

🐕 Dogs never clean up after themselves. After band practice, or the game? Frito bags everywhere.

So those are, like, the top limitations of dogs. It's clear their reputation for being helpful comes from their comparison to other, less helpful pets like cats.

It's a darn good thing for our canine freeloaders that they're so cute and pettable. Otherwise we might as well just get hamsters or iguanas.