How to hurt a guy.

Hey, gang! It's Throwback Thursday, and here's a rerun from my old, defunct Blog.com blog. This post was about a hot news issue of the day, that day being 2013, but as you will see, it is still a matter of crushing national concern five years later. Be generous in your support.

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This came out in March--- 

Perhaps I should rephrase that. 

This study popped up---

Start again.

Dr. Herman Bagga--

Hmm--no help.

Okay. A study in the British Journal of Urology International reports that, as Medical Daily put it, "more than 17,600 people in the United States, mostly men, visited the ER during the past 10 years after catching genitalia between the teeth of a zipper."

So during the past decade a group larger than the entire population of Beckley, West Virginia, got their business stuck in their fly so bad that they had to go to the ER!?

Hacheeeeemamma!!!!!

This is terrible stuff. Boys, you don't need me to illustrate. You may have had such an incident yourself, but I hope never so bad that you had to be rushed to the hospital. What are they making zippers out of these days? Samurai sword steel?

And the news from the BJUI only gets worse. Dr. Bagga (heh) also co-authored a study that is in the June 2013 issue entitled, "No small slam: increasing incidents of genitourinary injury from toilets and toilet seats." (I heard this story thanks to Michael Graham, who reported on it with gusto.)

You sure you want to read more? The abstract uses the phrase "crush injuries."

Here we go.

"The most common mechanism involved crush from accidental fall of toilet seat.... Most crush injuries were isolated to the penis (98.1%)."

Yikes!

Unlike the zipper-teeth chomps, these toilet seat traumas were pediatric injuries. Not that it hurts any less for the little shavers, of course. God knows how many more "crush injuries" occurred that were bad but not bad enough to rate a trip to the ER. Aside from big brothers with really stupid ideas of what constitutes a practical joke, what could be causing all these poor kids, who must be just learning the fine art of penile penmanship, to have the porcelain seat suddenly pull a guillotine on them, causing them to---to quote Dr. Bagga (heh) and Company---sustain "toilet- and toilet seat-related GU injuries"?

I can't speak to the zipper thing---one suspects alcohol or the sudden arrival of a husband may have something to do with these---but I think I know what's happening with the poor lads and the slammin' seats. I blame these:

Yes, those fuzzy carpet covers that women like to put on the lid. The fluff pushes the vertical lid out from the tank just a bit, but sometimes it's past the tipping point, especially if the wee tot flips the lid up in a hurry, and wham! 

Paging Dr. Bagga!

This is a terrible epidemic that is truly and literally threatening our manhood!

If you're a girl, you're sitting whatever you do, so it doesn't matter. If you're a man of average height, it's just a nuisance that the thing could fall down, interrupting your flow of consciousness, as it were, and getting you in trouble for peeing on the seat. But if you're a little guy using the big-boy can, your junior member is right on the chopping block, at the top of the bowl.

I have argued the point about these lid covers with the stunning Mrs. Key, who like most women, did not at first see the problem. Perhaps this study will open some lids... eyelids, that is. Yes, we all like to decorate the house so that it looks like the toilet is just another comfy chair---Why, we don't actually need toilets in this house! Ha-ha! But these seemingly harmless toilet toupees are a menace: "In all, 13,175 GU injuries related to toilets presented to ERs during 2002–2010." A population equivalent to that of Washington, Missouri, with penile crushment. And how many of these were caused by lid rugs? Oh the humanity!

Until now I thought the most inhuman thing in the typical bathroom was the lady doll toilet paper roll cover---you know the kind, with the knitted "hoop skirt" that covers the roll and the eyes that close when she falls over?

Little did I know that while Junior was being terrorized by Charmin O'Hara staring at him from the tank, the true horror was the carpeted toilet lid lurking just below.