Call today!

Hurt? Accident? In pain?

Before you call anyone else, even your doctor, call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS. Our crack team of lawyers will take on YOUR case and keep FIGHTING FOR YOU until YOU GET the MONEY YOU DESERVE!

If you’ve been hurt by anything—and we mean anything—car crash, slip and fall, faulty nail clipper, rusty hinge, bad weather, cutting remarks, hot pizza, medical negligence, your own negligence—YOU MAY HAVE CASH COMING TO YOU! And if you have not been hurt, go get hurt! Our lawyers will waiting for you in the emergency room. Nothing stops US…when it means helping YOU!

Have you suffered from asbestos exposure? Lead paint exposure? Carbon monoxide exposure? Radon exposure? Northern exposure? Indecent exposure? Northern indecent exposure? 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS is on YOUR side!

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You there on the couch!  Yeah, you, watching daytime TV and drinking a Milk Duds Slurpee! You know why you’re such a humongous loser? This is why: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Someone else is to blame, and when you call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS, we won’t rest until WE FIND OUT WHO! And then we’ll GET YOU THE CASH YOU DESERVE!

Have you ever been playing with a cigarette lighter, say, maybe tossing it around and flicking it idly, and you suddenly realized that you accidentally set your hair on fire?

You have?

Then call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS NOW! Faulty cigarette lighters are the cause of MANY accidents like YOURS! Our EXPERTS will testify on YOUR BEHALF and get you THE MONEY THAT’S COMING TO YOU! Don’t delay! Call today!

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YOU! Millennial college person! Are you cowering in your safe space, wondering why life is so bad? It's because of BAD PEOPLE! Call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS TODAY! Join our class action lawsuits against your college, your state, evil multinational companies, and President Trump! WE'LL MAKE THEM PAY! Kiss your student loans good-bye; you'll be able to get your Ph.D. in Ax Grinding for FREE! Just call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS and press 8 for our special Make The Bad Man Pay hotline. Call NOW!

Have you been injured by any consumer products whatever? Call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS and make them pay! Were you injured by your loan shark, your drug dealer, your pimp? Good luck getting anything out of them! We’ll find some legal company to take the fall. Maybe you were injured as a result of your own stupidity? Don’t worry—someone else will be to blame. We find the low-hanging fruit and pick it for YOU. Call now! GET CASH! Ambulances are standing by.

1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS is owned by the Law Firm of Greef, Sorrel, and Payne. Not licensed in every state. But don’t worry, we’ll find someone who is. Each office is technically staffed with lawyers. The hell with integrity—get the money you deserve. Call 1-800-555-SUETHEBASTARDS today!