The Menu (sixth grade).

Stick tongue to frozen flagpole - $3

Place tongue on frozen flagpole to see if it sticks

Tell Jenny Firbinks you like her - $2

A heartfelt expression of your fondness for the cutest girl in sixth grade,
delivered with subtlety and wit

Eat a bug - $2.50

Watch as a largish bug from the recess yard is chewed and consumed, possibly with the addition of a packet of the bogus non-brand-name ketchup from the cafeteria

Yell out an F-bomb during third-period Social Studies - $2

Entertain the class with a hilarious, loud, and unexpected effenheimer, enlivening the coverage of the Crimean War and making Ms. Schneez so mad you can see the hairs on her mole tremble

Tell Elton Wangenstein that he’s a fat greasy toad bastard - $4

Inform the most dangerous man in sixth grade of his personal shortcomings on your behalf, with your name withheld for safety purposes

Forge a note from your mom or your doctor - $5

Risk suspension on your behalf by forging a note to explain your absence or lack of completed assignment, using superior penmanship and real grown-up-type stationery

Superglue Max Hock’s ass to a chair - $6

Risk suspension on your behalf by committing the ultimate practical joke on menacing Max Hock, who beat you up in the locker room a week ago and who has it coming (and used to pick his nose and eat it in the first grade, you know he did)

Jump off a roof - $8

No more than two stories—service can be offered to test that parachute you claimed to have made from an old twin bed sheet

Steal Jenny Firbanks’s bra from the girls’ locker room - $10

A delicate and dangerous operation, requiring stealth and cunning, but oh what a reward
—half of fee must be paid up front