Battle of the cheesians!

Like a lot of Americans, my wife got through college with the help of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. The same is true for Canadians, except for them it was Kraft Dinner. Same powdered cheese product, different name. Beloved staple of families with young children, immortalized in the Barenaked Ladies' classic song "If I Had $1000000."  

But is Kraft Mac & Cheese (as it is styled now) still the big boy on the block? The kids who used to demand it for dinner are adults now, and do they want something more out of a boxed side dish like this (or in a pinch, a main course)? 

That's what my wife asked when she heard about a product called Goodles, a new contender trying to take on the old pro. Goodles isn't the first to try -- Annie's Homegrown has been at it since 1989 (now owned by Nestlé) and corners the organic market. Goodles' gimmick is higher nutrition, though. Specifically higher protein.  

But is it really better than Kraft? 

We thought we'd find out. 

In the left corner, the reigning champion, Box Blue, Old Faithful, your childhood reliable... Kraft Mac & Cheese! 

And in the right corner, the Groovy New Guru of Goodness, the challenger... Goodles Cheddy Mac!

Right off the bat there is a price issue. At Walmart, the Goodles box cost $2.98, whereas the identical size Kraft box was a paltry $1.24. Is Goodles' quality enough to make up for the more than doubled price? Well, you note the award leaves in the lower left side of the box, indicating that Goodles is "Clean Label Project" certified -- in other words, it tested clean for pesticides and heavy metals and other stuff you may not want the kids to eat. 

Unfortunately, the part of the label that warns you that the food is larger on the label than in real life has to have some third-grade cutseyness attached, unlike the same thing on the Kraft box. 

"Enlarged to show YUM" -- this is not the last we'll see of that kind of stuff. 

On to the cooking! 

Both K and G cook up similarly, with 6 cups of water. Boil the pasta, drain (but don't rinse), add 1/4 cup milk and the inserted powdered cheese pack. Kraft calls for four tablespoons of butter as well. Goodles says no butter, but notes that if you want, you can add a couple of tablespoons for richer flavor. My wife said to go ahead and add it -- to give Goodles every chance to take on Kraft in the same weight class. 

I was quite surprised to see that the Kraft powder looked less phony than the Goodles powder, which was bright orange. My wife, looking at the pots, guessed wrongly that the more orange one was the Kraft. There may be a legit reason for that, as I will discuss below. She is convinced that Kraft's used to be more bright orange, like a Syracuse linebacker, and indeed she is probably right. They dropped the food coloring in 2016. 

Kraft

Goodles

While we wait for the tasting, here are the comparisons of the nutrition facts. Kudos to Goodles for listing every possible vitamin and mineral like it's a bottle of Centrum. We also see that has only 5g more protein per serving (15g) than Kraft (although with the optional butter it would be a smidge higher). But that is an issue with the kiddies. A grown man needs 52g of protein daily, but a kid between four and eight just 19, so 5g is not nothing to them. 

One curious factor when these products were prepared is that Kraft's box seems to make a lot more. Seriously, by volume it looks like a quarter to a third more food than the Goodles package. And yet the serving sizes and number of servings per box are comparable. I assume that the Goodles pasta and sauce are weightier, since these things and serving sizes are measured by weight rather than volume. 

Finally, the main event -- the taste test. What tastes the best?

And my answer is: The fun-size Twix I ate while cooking. 

But of the two contenders? They both taste good, but in different ways. I'd go with Kraft, but Goodles' product tastes more like real cheese. I think that the basic Kraft Mac & Cheese is made with something approaching American cheese, though -- it may have been a more fair test in that regard to use Kraft's white cheddar variety. Goodles' cheddar-centric flavor may account for the more orange color, and led my wife to prefer it to Kraft's. We agreed that the higher protein content probably made Goodles more satiating.  

But picky-eating kids usually prefer bland food, as in the Kraft classic. Such a dish, however, may be a canvas upon which one can create -- adding chicken or broccoli or something to get the kids to eat healthier. Of course you could do the same for Goodles. 

Either product would make a fine side dish. I'm not saying either is health food, though. They each left the pot and the wooden spoon with a very yellow, very sticky coating, the sort of thing that makes you think This is the kind of highly processed stuff that the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics warned me about.

I'm going to ultimately give my award to the box that annoys me less. The Goodles' use of YUM puts it at a disadvantage, but look! Kraft getting out over its spiritual skis!

Seriously, I know your grandma probably made Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for you, because she couldn't really cook, and that's a warm memory, but if you need a boxed pasta kit to feed your soul, get your ass in a pew. You need more help.

Does that make Goodles the winner? Not necessarily, because they use a unicorn on the box. Poor unicorn, once a medieval symbol of purity and light, now the unfailing sign of weird, smirky self-regard. Plus the word "community," which equals Communism Lite, and "love," which means "nothing we thought of as love until ten minutes ago." 

I call it a draw. Maybe next time Annie's Homegrown can leap in off the top ropes and make it a free-for-all. Get Bernie the Bunny to do a throwdown on both these guys.