Monday, April 29, 2024

Aisle be passing by.

I would like to thank Gloriam Marketing, a Catholic PR firm, for the following chart.


A better explanation of Catholicsthenics I have not seen. It would apply, of course to any Christian church that has kneeling, and to a lesser degree to anyplace humans congregate that involves the dreaded aisles. 

Getting past seated people is no fun in movie theaters, which is why people often like to sit on the end of a row (as in Mass as well). It is better to be put upon than to be embarrassed as the put-uponer. This is complicated by people carrying enormous buckets of popcorn and a soda large enough to hydrate a derby winner, either of which may be worn by the put-uponee if things go sideways (literally). At least that's one peril one hopes to not see in church. Church can have its entertainment value, but please -- no snacking. 

Aisle passings are even worse at live theater or sporting events. The immediacy of the performance makes everything more dramatic. You don't want a view of some guy's butt as he passes by to cause you to miss Hamlet stabbing Polonius (oops, spoiler!) or a thrilling game-tying steal of home plate. You can't get those moments back. 

The worst has to be the airplane, though. Crammed into a seat not on the aisle -- perhaps at the window or, God love you, the center -- you had better be able to contain your bodily fluids for the length of the trip. Otherwise I promise the aisle seat will be occupied by a large human who does not want to get up to let people in or out and will definitely make that opinion known. With almost zero headroom, you couldn't even leap over him. It makes for a travel experience packed with grumbling, recriminations, and discomfort. 

I usually think of people who enjoyed the COVID lockdowns as being kind of loony, but when I think of aisles, it makes more sense. 

Anyway, I showed the illustration above to my wife, and she thought it would be great to incorporate such workout techniques into Mass officially. She thought the choir could start with something cheery for stretching and warmups, then sing a dirge at the end for cooldowns. You'd shower after church rather than before. I think I'll mention it to the Cardinal; like me, he could stand to take off a few pounds.  

4 comments:

  1. I was raised High Episcopal (Catholic without the Latin) back when there was such a thing, and I can assure you that chart is entirely accurate for them as well. I can remember bringing friends to St. Judes and having them comment afterwards, "Don't ya'll EVER hold still?".

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was at Mass at school once when I was about eleven. The priest fumbled the host and it fell on the floor in front of me. He asked me to remain kneeling there to mark the spot until after Mass was over, at which point he returned with an altar boy and performed some ritual cleansing. It was interesting, I felt special to have had that responsibility, but it also meant I would be last in line for lunch so there was that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've got tendinitis in my left knee (and it does not want to go away, no matter how much rest I give it, so kneeling is not an option.

    And I gladly pay extra for the aisle seat.

    rbj13

    ReplyDelete