The StINKers.

Awards season is well under way, and I haven’t even got my awards tree up yet. Nevertheless, the show must go on, and I am proud to use today's forum to announce the:

⭐ 2023 StINKer Awards! ⭐

That's right, friends, these are the Worst Books of 2023, honored by an award I just made up to honor books I just made up. And without further ado, or any kind of doo, here are this year's honorees! Each category can have only one winner -- sorry, losers! You were not the best at being worst.   

StINKer author hard
at work

HISTORY

83 Crucial Farts in History by I.P. Daley

Professor Daley returns to the shelves with another spurious compendium of "facts." Did the Battle of Waterloo turn on a loud buttular report from a French spy hiding in the weeds? Did King George II's flatulence spark the Seven Years' War? Was a legume-heavy meal the real cause of the downfall of the Goths in 553? No, and this is a dreadful book. 

BUSINESS

You Can't Spell Inspirations Without Rations: Starve First and Succeed Later by Clara Mook, former CEO of InterTissue

Mook, inventor of the Web-connected facial tissue and founder and leader of the failed company that manufactured it, brings you a book chock full of moronic business advice-- like: "Accounting is boring! Go out and find ideas!" Well, maybe some accounting would be good.  

WORST NEWCOMER

Bullets in My Shooter by Jake Pudd 

Hard-boiled crime story meets genital obsession. Like being trapped on a plane with a strange guy who can't stop talking about what turns him on. Pudd has a long and very bad career in front of him.  

HOBBIES

Collecting Lint for Fun and Profit by Bonnie Fleeble

Find something better to do. Like anything else.

NEWS COMMENTARY

Trump Sucks: Why Trump Sucks by Medea Prentiss

Summary of all the reasons why reporters hate Donald Trump, compiled by the editor of the San Fandago (Calif.) Fishwrap. 

HEALTH

How Green Was My Sputum: You Are Your Spit by Dr. Merriwether Bronzini

Another example of the fact that the last-in-the-class med school graduate is still called "doctor."

SCIENCE

Global Warming, Climate Chaos, Taco Tuesday, and the Nematode by Manny Michaels

Dr. Michaels strikes again. His worst yet.

MOST INTERSECTIONAL

Mangled Brownberry Stew by Mumgabe Swanson

No white heterosexuals are allowed to read this book, according to Swanson, a one-legged black/Asian nonbinary possibly lesbian of Hmong/Nazca descent with phlebitis, and in fact no human being has actually managed to get through the doorstop (1900 pages). Neverthless, the reviews are outstanding, and every white librarian in America has bought multiple copies.   

TRAVEL

101 Great Abandoned Buildings to Stay In by Hobo Winerack

Bring your DDT.

SPORTS

Hoist: Great Moments in Flag Football by Gruff Hoopendown III

Sportswriter and part-time laundry attendant Hoopendown gives us more information on flag football than we ever hoped to see. So much, in fact, that we begin to suspect he made it all up, including the dedication, "To my Girlfriend Katie, who Totally Lives in Canada." 

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Okay, none of these are real books, but shouldn't they be? No, I don't think so, either.