Business writing, song, dog.

Continuing the theme of clarity in writing we began yesterday, I thought I would pass along some advice on business writing in the modern era. There are two key things you should bear in mind at all times whenever you are engaged in business communications. People are taught these in school, but we could always use a refresher.  

The first is: Clarity is king. The e-mail, cover letter, formal request, summary report -- none of these is an appropriate place to go into a Song of Myself. You may use some style, a little razzle-dazzle if it highlights the message, but stick to the point and leave personalities out of it. If clarity is king, brevity is his viceroy. Don't give your audience time to get bored. 

As an example, I would like to use the clear and brief instructions in the chorus of that seminal hit by Jim Stafford, "Don't Pet the Dog." 

Don't pet the dog, don't pet him whatever you do

'Cause he ain't been fixed, he knows some tricks

That'll sure make a fool out of you

Don't pet the dog, he gets it confused with romance

Don't tickle his sides or look deep in his eyes

Or he'll be taking your leg to the dance

Six simple lines that convey clear, crucial information. The first line is a simple declarative statement, repeated and emphasized to impress its importance: 

Don't pet the dog, don't pet him whatever you do

The next sentences outline the source of the issue, and hints at the consequences of ignoring same:

'Cause he ain't been fixed, he knows some tricks

That'll sure make a fool out of you

The fourth line explains the problem in a little more detail, explaining the current state of the problem:

Don't pet the dog, he gets it confused with romance

And finally, the last two lines add more detail of the range of the warning and the depth of trouble for those failing to heed it: 

Don't tickle his sides or look deep in his eyes

Or he'll be taking your leg to the dance

You can see how effective this short message is. The verses go into greater detail, but you can think of that as the full report; the chorus is like the executive summary. 

The second piece of advice is: Be careful. 

Another reason to be brief, if not terse, in writing for work is that you probably would like to leave your job on your own terms rather than be defenestrated. Do not give in to the temptation to spice things up with a little levity or gossip. Companies are so terrified about being sued by their oversensitive and high-strung workers that they want us all to spy on one another like the Stasi and report the slightest infraction to human resources. Written communications can and will be presented at your drumming-out.

That e-mail you sent your best work buddy Bob, the one with the blonde joke? Someone looking over Bob's shoulder is going to report you for it, and maybe him as well for laughing at it. There is no freedom of speech. There will be no right to confront your accuser. The only question will be how big a box you will need for your desk tchotchkes, and whether you'll be escorted out by security. It really is like penny-ante East Berlin out there. 

It's funny that companies are so terrified of the reputation risk that comes with these kinds of lawsuits, and yet are so often run by idiots who will send the company down in flames to follow DEI and other PC nonsense at the expense of their customers and shareholders. That kind of foolishness seems like a much bigger reputational risk to me. But this is the world in which we live now. 

So, in brief: Be brief. Don't make eye contact with the crazy people. For job security, have no personality at work. And if the dog ain't been fixed, don't pet him. Whatever you do.