Groups.

A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to join a little writers' group she's putting together. I said no, but she's persistent (and very sweet). They haven't met yet, and I might still figure out a way to get out of it.

You might wonder why I would be reluctant. I'm not anti-joining, as so many of us are these days. Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone came out in 2000, and despite his optimism I see little to suggest that community is making a comeback -- except on social media, where people are insane. The Chinese Death Virus didn't help matters, either. However, I'm not anti-community. I'm a believer in the importance of commitment to worthy causes. I'm simply not convinced of the value of writers' groups, or perhaps in my ability to bring any value to one. 

Years ago in my misspent youth another pal suggested we get together with some other people he knew who wanted to write. We all met in a downtown bar, and talked about writing for about three minutes, then drank and played darts for the next couple of hours. That was our one and only meeting. 

I think at the time I felt that the others were not very serious, but the truth was that I too was not very serious. I had no voice, no ideas that weren't absorbed from someone else's work, and it took quite a while and a lot of bad words out of me (in every sense) before I felt I could write something worth reading. And that was a purely lonely job. Maybe it would have been faster if someone were to show me a direction, but when everyone is a novice, no one knows what he's doing. Bad writing ideas and habits can spread like a common cold. Maybe we all have to hack our way out of the jungle by ourselves, even if it means we may go down into the quicksand. 

At its base, writing is a lonely business. Some people are great collaborators, but I think that works better in show business, where people have to cooperate with others and no individual's personal vision gets to the audience exactly as intended. When writing for the page rather than the stage, however, the writer has to have confidence that his vision can be seen and understood by others. 

Either way, there's a lot of ego involved. 

And that leads me to the other problem. If group members are really tough on one another, feelings will be hurt. If it's really light and upbeat, no one's going to learn anything. If I am going to have my ego bruised, I would like it to be done by the person who is simultaneously seeing to it that I get paid. Otherwise, hell, I can hate myself all by myself. I don't need anyone else to help me do it.

TV writer Rob Long quotes an unnamed producer whose adage is, "I never take a no from someone who doesn't have the authority to give me a yes." Seems reasonable. So why would I want to join a writers' group and make other people feel bad about their own projects? I can't help them get published.

And what the hell do I know? When I'm not working on my own projects, I can be found working on someone else's books being published by my clients, and I think about 90% of the novels would never see the light of day if it were up to me. Nine percent of the remaining 10% would have to be reworked to death. But they're all getting published, and by some big publishers, so again, what the hell do I know? 

In the best-case scenario, the group does make your work better, and you get published, and you're the breakthrough one who has to try to get all your friends published, too. Plus, you have to list them along with every human being you've ever encountered in the acknowledgments or the dedication. 

Long story short: I don't want to join a writers' group. However, the friend who invited me has been my pal for like 25 years and sends us cookies every Christmas. So you never want to hurt a friend that good.

Oh, well. Mom wanted me to be a lawyer. Maybe I should have listened.