Woah is me.

The word Whoa has been around since the fifteenth century as a command to stand still ("as to a draft animal"). I want to make it perfectly clear that this is the way it has been spelled since it descended from whoo in Middle English. And the meaning in casual discourse (popularized by Bill & Ted of excellent adventure fame) is exactly that -- like, "Stand still! I have to take a moment to comprehend all this!"

So, as I said, it has always been whoa, with the H after the W, as in who or which or why or where.

Until now. 

Universal's theme parks have made the misspelling the crucial word in its ad campaign, which has been going on for two years now. Maybe that's to be expected for an outfit that is letting literal dummies be its spokescreatures. 

Woah oh oh it's stupid.

The so-called Hit the Woah challenge, covered with gusto (if not shame) by KCEN, includes the word misspelled on its Chyron. To be fair, they didn't invent this challenge, and the misspelling may have come from some other dingdong.

They also don't know when to use double quotation marks.

And then there's this sports report on FoxNews.com, which is the kind of thing that lets Times readers sit back and say "Look at those idiots, with their football and their Fox News. We would never misspell 'whoa'! Ha! Ha!"

They would have a point.

I'm usually not one to poke fun at bad spellers. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I'd hate to see my math skills on display for all the world. But the people screwing up here are supposedly professionals, people for whom language is their currency, and they can't check the dictionary?

Merriam-Webster usually backs down like the nancy-pants they are when so many knuckleheads start misspelling a word. Once a sort of critical mass of dopeyness arrives, rather than defend the truth, their editors throw up their red pencils and say "The people have spoken! The word has changed!" But not this time, or not yet at least.

There will be those who say that it doesn't matter -- the H in whoa is silent (but it is not, not really) and it doesn't matter where you put it. 

Well, I have one thing to say to that: 

Pardon the punctuation.

The wh in words like why or whoa is supposed to sound different than the w in womb or wood; it actually is an hw sound. Spelling whoa as woah would seem to indicate that it should be two syllables, like Noah, and it's not. Hey, dunderheads, if you think the H is silent, why not just leave it out? Woa! Or try it other places? Woha! Hwoa! Who         H!

If I were to adopt a secret identity, I think I would become the Yardstick Avenger. I'd sneak into the offices where the Universal campaign was devised and whack everyone responsible. I would not wackh anybody. The Yardstick of Doom would become legendary. I'm not saying this will happen, but you professional communicators out there had better start using your dictionaries. You have been wharned. 

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