Two weeks!

I don't want to put the fear of God into any of you guys out there, but Christmas is exactly two weeks away, and if you have that someone special on your list, remember:

🎅🎄FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. 🤶⛄

It's a truism that many men suck at buying gifts for their loved ones, and it's a truism because it's very often true. My dad was completely incapable of buying someone a gift. If he thought you wanted a shed, he could come over and knock one up in a day and expect no thanks for it, but when it came to going into an actual store and trying to figure out what Mom might like, forget it. I think he would have felt more comfortable being dropped blindfolded in Shanghai and told to find his way home.

For minor events, like Mom's birthday, he might unofficially deputize the kids to take this money and go buy Mom something nice. For Christmas, Mom just bought what she wanted. She knew what she was getting when she married him. And for her part, she was an excellent shopper and gift-giver. 

Mom (l.) out in front of the pack on Black Friday

Some guys figure that if they only had some real dough they wouldn't have this problem. After all, if you walk into a jewelry store and drop enough cheddar to buy a furnace, you're probably going to come out with something your beloved will like. There is some truth to that truism, too. Even this plan, however, has its pitfalls:

🎁 She may be the type who is not into jewelry. Maybe she's concerned about the exploitation of miners, or doesn't like cold metal on her skin, or just would rather wear natural accessories like feathers or twigs. You know: Hippies.

🎁 You might have tremendously bad taste that taxes the powers of the clerk. Even if you got your wife to like football, for example, a $10,000 diamond-crusted dental grill with CLEVELAND BROWNS written on it is probably not going to get the job done.

🎁 Wake up! You don't have 10 large lying around! She might hit you for blowing the money needed for the college fund or to put toward a new car! Whaddaya, stupid?

Goodness knows there are enough gift guides out there on the Internet. Maybe one of them can lead you to the present promised land. Better act fast (especially if you want free shipping, which we know you do). 

It's always going to be dicey, though, even if you know the person really well. And if you're in love, shouldn't you? You ought to be able to answer these questions:

⭐ Is this person the type to be really impressed by how much you spent? Because if so, she will know how much it cost. Trust me on this. 

⭐ Is the person the problem type who buys anything she wants and leaves no lane of approach, having clogged it with her own purchases? This is a very frustrating type, because you can surmise what she likes but have to assume she has it. 

⭐ Is this person one to drop hints? If so, respond positively enough to encourage her but not enough to assure her. (My wife will text me something she definitely would like, but it's always a side attraction gift, not the main event.) 

Well, good luck out there, people. When all else fails, a gift certificate is not the worst idea, but it always tells the person I LOVE YOU EXACTLY THIS MANY DOLLARS AND 00 CENTS, which isn't very romantic. 

I think my mom would have appreciated that much thought, though. Although Dad did build a nice shed.