Christmas Villains Anonymous.

Winter Warlock: Now, everyone, please be seated. It's time for our meeting. We have a couple of newcomers here, so let's show them we can play by the rules now, okay? Ha! Little villain joke there. 

Bumble: GRAWR.

Winter: What's that you say, eh, Bumble? Oh, sorry, yes, no doughnuts this week. Eon bought bagels and -- oh, yes, that's right, isn't it? No teeth. Well, I suppose you'll have to suck on one. 

Bumble: GRERERRARARAWWAR!

Eon: BRAAWWWK!

Bumble: Mutter mutter mutter

Ebenezer: For goodness' sake, you'd think a monster your size would be able to deal with a bagel. We didn't even have bagels in my day, that being 1843, you know. Oh, these Christmas Yet to Come kids!

Winter: Yes, thank you, let's come to order. Welcome to the meeting of CVA, or Christmas Villains Anonymous. My name is Winter W., but my friends call me Winter. 

Everyone: Hey, Winter!

Winter: And I actually have friends now. We meet here every Tuesday to help one another stay away from evil and to help the newcomer turn from bad to good. Today we'd like to welcome Professor Hinkle, visiting from the Magicians Group in Mullerville, to share his experience, strength, and hope with us.

Professor Hinkle: Thank you all very much. I'll have to be brief, since it is Christmastime and I have to get bus-y, bus-y, BUS-eeeee! So, where did it all begin for me? Ah, yes, let us hark back to that chilly Christmas Eve Day afternoon. There I was, plying my brilliant trade as a stage magician in front of an audience of very naughty children. I was completely unaware that my top hat, which I had procured in a reputable vintage clothing shop, had some magic in it. When it brought that What's-His-Name to life, that snow homunculus, you can imagine that I felt quite villainous! 

[Mumbles, nods]

Hinkle: You see, I was full of the fear of failure, full of envy at other magicians. I was driven quite literally to the ends of the earth to reclaim my property and extract my revenge. Fortunately for me, Santa Claus intervened, and I realized that there was something much more important in life than old magic hats that never worked for me. And that was: Christmas loot! And I'm much happier now. Thank you.

[applause]

Winter: Thank you, Professor. Let's go to a show of hands, shall we? Yes, Jack?

Jack Frost: So glad you came in today, Mr. Hinkle. 

Hinkle: Professor, if you please. Proud purveyor of sensational magic tricks, exceptional legerdemain, mind-boggling illusions, renowned by the crowned heads of Europe--

Frost: Oh, pardon me. I'm just a personification of an entire season's meteorological phenomena. But we do have a friend in common. Frosty the Snowman helped me understand that I shouldn't be jealous of him, or anyone, but instead I should be grateful for friendship and for being able to provide winter fun for the children. So I became good also. And if it were not for your magic hat, I would never have come around. So I owe you a debt of thanks.

Winter: Thank you, Jack. Say, have you seen Snow Miser lately? 

Frost: Hmph! He and that hothead of a brother made up their minds that they were never the villains of anything. I told him that denial is not a river in Egypt. He said if it was in his territory he'd freeze it.

Winter: Pity. Who's next? Yes, I see a furry green hand...?

Grinch: Yes, well, thank you, Hinkle, and, uh, Winter. Professor, I'd just like to say I'm glad you decided to go from naughty to nice, even if it was just to get your stocking stuffed. 

Hinkle: Not mere ordinary presents! I'm talking about trick cards...

Grinch: Yes, yes...

Hinkle: Magic balls...

Grinch: Sure...

Hinkle: Hats... 

Grinch: Fine! I get it! I mean, I understand how much these things mean to you. But my conversion from bad to good was all about comprehending the true meaning of Christmas. You can't buy THAT in a store.

Ebenezer: Did someone preach to you? Show you the errors of your ways? Bring you the light of the manger as light to the world?

Grinch: NO! I just -- I just figured it out, all right? It was very meaningful. IT GREW MY HEART THREE SIZES! 

Hinkle: Isn't that cardiomegaly?

Winter: Shh...

Grinch: And my shoes even fit better! I neither stink, nor stank, nor stunk! I'M A NICE GUY NOW! I even love roast beast.

Bumble: GRHENmdmmMDMROWR

Grinch: Yes, we know you love pork, Bumble.

Bumble: MROWWWRM

Grinch: Yes, pulled pork. The teeth. We know. 

Winter: Thank you, gentlemen. You know, Grinch, at the risk of cross-talking, I would like to point out that Santa Claus meant at least as much to me as he did to the professor. Sure, it was the gift of a choo-choo in my case, but it wasn't the thing itself so much as the kindness in the act. Isn't that right, Professor?

Hinkle: Hm? Oh, yes, of course, of course. 

Winter: Kris --  well, I call him Kris -- taught me that it was all about that first step. I was a wizened, frozen old wizard, couldn't even move, encrusted in the ice on that mountain. The Kringle unfroze me, taught me how to walk again, like a baby, can you believe it? It was a terrible shock. Cost me my magic powers for a while there, as my old powers came from evil sources. My carousing buddies, like Willy Willow and Peter Pine, tried to pull me back to my mean ways, but I wouldn't listen. I knew that I never would get where I was going if I never got up on my feet. It was a struggle, but in the end I even proved that I wasn't such a loser after all! All thanks to Kris Kringle.

Burgermeister Meisterburger: Bah! Der Kringles! I can't stand the Kringles! Dot's it! I'm leaving!

Winter: Didn't Kris give you a yo-yo, Meister, er, Meisterburger?

Burgermeister: A typical Kringle trick! Dose little monsters! Nonconformists! Fifteen tiny men and vun huge voman! It's an outrage!

Winter: I don't think you--

Burgermeister: Come, Grimsley! 

[stomp stomp SLAM]

Winter: Too bad for him. He was mandated by HR. 

Ebenezer: I wonder if they ever figured out why he’s the only Sombertonian with a German accent.

Comet: Well, I don't want to be here either! Listen to you guys, going Santa this and Kringle that. I'm one of Santa's top reindeer! I'm his main trainer and talent scout! What am I doing here with all you villains? I'm one of the good guys!

Grinch: Didn't you say last week that you wouldn't let that Rudolph kid play in any reindeer games? Straight up discrimination. 

Comet: That boy was a distraction! Bad for team cohesion! Showed talent, but come on -- all the kids were freaked out by that crazy Chernobyl nose of his! How much would we have gotten done with that thing blowing off all the time?

Grinch: Seems like a little bit of an overreaction.

Comet: Well, you guys can hang around here and yak all you want. I have work to do. That Santa Claus you love so much also thought Rudolph was a weirdo, you know -- made his folks cover up his nose! You got a problem with me, take it up with Mr. Kris Kringle!

[galloop galloop SLAM]

Grinch: Hm.

Winter: Well... Kris was going through a tough time then.

Mr. Potter: Are we done here? I'd like to go try to make some more filthy lucre before we break for Christmas. 

Winter: Very well. Meeting adjourned. 

Ebenezer: I just can't get through to that guy... 

Hinkle: Thank you for having me, Winter, it was very interesting, ver-y interesting indeed. 

Winter: Thank you for joining us. 

Hinkle: Just wondering something -- I was always frustrated and jealous because I didn't have magic powers, but you had them and were just as mean and nasty as ever I could be. Why did you go up on that mountain and just stay there alone? 

Grinch: BECAUSE OF THE WHOS! Oh, sorry, thought you were talking to me. 

Winter: That's a good question, Professor. No one has ever asked me that. You see, the fact is, I was a very different person when I decided to go into seclusion in the mountains. People hated me, thought I was evil, thought I was dangerous. So I fled. Things might have been different if-- Well. In time I proved they were right. I was evil, I was dangerous, and the longer I was alone the worse I got. You wouldn't believe how much the years changed me. Why, I had been royalty, Professor, royalty! Yes sir! But as years turned to decades, even centuries, the grind of the lonely everlasting winter on the mountain changed me. Everything changed. 

Hinkle: You were royalty? Goodness gracious me, what was your title?

Winter: Well, titles don't interest me now. But back then my friends and family called me... Elsa.