I've been hearing from a few of our happy customers in the wake of the FTX crypto collapse, what with rumors of police involvement and Congressional hearings and the founder playing video games poorly during billion-dollar-meetings and all other sorts of unpleasantness. They say, "Fred, you'd better not be running Fredcoin the way those unbathed, drug-addled twerps ran FTX!" And "Fred, why should I trust you any more than I'd trust those creepy nerd-frat kids?" And "Fred, where in the Bahamas are you burying my money?" And "Fred, you'd better turn my Fredcoin back into real dollars right now or you're going to get a mouth fulla teeth!" And "Fred, why does 'polyamory' always look like it involves people you wouldn't even want monoamory with?"
To which I say: Please, friends! Be calm. There's no need for all this hue and cry, this brouhaha, this hullaballoo, this foofaraw. Can't you see that this is just a case of everyone being tarred by the same brush? Why, it's like the famous bank run in Bedford Falls during which the Bailey Brothers Savings & Loan was almost ruined by the unscrupulous Mr. Potter! The company and the town were saved when people took a breath and left their money in a place that was solid, just as I'm asking you to do right now.
To reassure you, I want to give you some answers to some of the important questions I've been getting. Just to put your mind at ease. Here they are:
💰 Yes.
💰 No.
💰 Maybe.
💰 Probably on Thursday.
💰 Of course not! Not Switzerland or the Caymans either, although I did have a law professor who recommended going to the Caymans for the turtle races. No, it's under the mattress, and that box spring is under constant surveillance.
💰 I agree -- anyone who couldn't tell Sam Bankman-Fried was crooked just by his hair should expect to be ripped off constantly.
💰 Obviously the answer is: Rosey Grier on Match Game '74.
💰 No fresh-ground pepper for me, please.
💰 It's just a spot, nothing to worry about.
💰 Do you want Mary to be a spinster? Do you want Nick to throw out Mr. Gower out in the snow? Of course not! And think of little Zuzu!
💰 Beetlebomb in the third at Delta Downs. Cannot miss.
So there you have it. Please forward any more questions to frederick_key AT yahoo DOT com, our high-class business email address, and we'll be happy to answer them in eight to ten busin
Sorry, just had to look out the window. Thought I heard a siren.
Cheers, all, and remember: Fredcoin is the only cryptocurrency with Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sue! We couldn't say it if it weren't true!
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