Where is the returns department?

WOMAN DEMANDS TO SEE MANAGER

WARWICK, NY -- Noted consumer and activist Kaitlynn Schweack demands to see the manager regarding the new year that has just begun two days ago. 

"I have a number of complaints with this so-called 2022 that need to be addressed by a higher up, and I mean right this minute," said Schweack, known in area stores for expecting "prompt and adequate service".

"First of all, this supposed new year is extremely shopworn, to say the least," she continued. "I mean, look at this mess. It's still got these Brazilian floods and other clear evidence of climate chaos, totally unresolved from the previous model. There's still knuckle-dragging morons with guns all over the country. You can see signs of financial crisis right here all along the edge. And look! There's still COVID all over it! You call this new?"

Schweack further stated that this was probably a reconditioned or refurbished year, falsely being sold as new, and the store should be ashamed of itself. 

"Like all of us, when I go to get a new year, I want something clean and unsullied," she told reporters. "Not this thing! Sully sully sully! I demand satisfaction. I and my 20,000 followers on TikTok, I might add,"

The store's "no refunds, no returns" policy, clearly marked on signs and packages, was also considered objectionable by the noted consumer. 

"That's against federal and state law, you know," said Schweack. "I don't care who you are. Your signs cut no ice with me. Now, am I going to get a really NEW new year, or do we have to escalate this further?"

At press time there was no indication that anything would or possibly even could be done to satisfy the demands of Schweack and her supporters.