Elves I have known.

Anyone can claim to know Santa Claus. "Sure, me 'n the big Ho Ho Homeister go back to when I was a little tot," one might say. And why not? Santa goes to every house that celebrates Christmas and dumps some gifts, he's available for visits in public shopping centers everywhere, and he even makes appearances at parties. He may be stealthy, but he's not exactly shy. 

I, however, can claim to have known a number of the North Pole elves, due partly to my work with the Elves Tool and Dye Union Local 34. They liked to have their meetings off premises where the bosses wouldn't be able to butt in, so they would go to one of the watering holes frequented by the Teamsters and other mobsters in the city. I met a few of them there. Most of them were lightweights, drinking wine spritzers and frozen daiquiris, but a few of them could hold their weight. 

Pretty typical scene at the end of the night.

Here are a couple dozen of the gang that I got to know over the years. Most of them were all right, but some, sheesh, you shouldn't meet in a dark alley. At least not if you're under two feet tall. 

Alex Zingy

Fat Joe (shop steward)

Splink

Frenzy McGee

Little Pierre

Stiiv McQuiin

Fat Joe Jr. 

Godzilla

Zesty McGee (a real knockout)

Pow-Pow

The Yuling Idiot (not sure what his real name was)

Hasty Puddin'

Elrond

Cornhole

The Situation

Meriwinkle (kind of quiet, drank sherry)

Texas Prairie Chicken

Flangepart

Pesky McGee

Fat Joe III

Rondo Hatton 

Peewee 

Little Peewee

Ying Tong Iddle I Po

Duck Bharma

Like I say, nice guys for the most part. However, Pow-Pow and Godzilla still owe me bail money. If you see them at the mall with Santa, let them know I haven't forgotten.