10 Things About Masks.

Here are 10 Things I have learned about wearing the stupid masks for a year, thank to Chinese Death Virus That Came From Communist China. I'm sure you have more that you have learned. Feel free to add them in comments. 

1) If using a washable and reusable mask, make sure you like the smell of the detergent/bleach/fabric softener/scent booster, because you're going to have it right in your face like crazy. I suppose face masks that can be washed with chlorine bleach would be the safest, but might also kill you. Ditto ammonia. 

2) Some people are better looking with the masks. Just saying. On the other hand, you can make funny faces at people while wearing your mask as long as you keep it out of your eyes, so I guess that's getting even. Or something.

3) I was at a lunch with some guys, and one was using a neck gaiter as a mask. When he laughed his spit came right through it. What the hell is that? Something supposed to stop aerosolized spit can't even stop a gob? No wonder people are rebelling against the masks. 

4) "If masks don't work, why do surgeons wear them?" Yeah, well, surgeons don't wear gaiters, or bandanas, or those cheap paper masks from China that specifically say they can't stop germs. When this whole mess broke out I had a supply of N95 masks in the cellar that I bought to use with the paint sprayer. I can barely breathe in those things, and I supposedly have good lung function. That's why I gave up the paint sprayer. That, and it got clogged with a bolus of paint that dried like iron. Even after I cleaned it out, it always spat globs of paint like an old man at the home having oatmeal. I'll put up with that from an old man, but not a paint sprayer.

5) Men: If you're wondering if you have a huge nose hair protruding from a nostril, the mask will let you know. Probably while you're making a speech.

6) On that token, don't wash your mask in the same load with towels, especially towels used to dry the dogs. Your mask will get lots of tiny little doggie hairs that will go straight up your nose and itch like mad.

7) I want to see the heads of the people used to set the size standard for masks, especially the reusable ones. Many of them seem to be too small for a man's head, or perhaps their heads are some weird shape. The cheapo paper ones with elastic bands fit better for me, but I know some women find them too large and have to tie the bands in the back. I guess there's no one-size-fits-all with head things.

8) The most comfortable washable masks I've found cost $10 for two; they're multilayered fabric with good ear bands. But because they are thick, they are stuffy to wear in a warm room. And you can't inhale with any oomph, so if I'm reading something aloud, I find myself running out of gas quickly. Maybe worst of all, all my words come out buzzing through the layers of fabric, like I'm talking through a kazoo. Nothing sounds meaningful through a kazoo. The Gettysburg Address turns into "Yakety Sax" through a kazoo. 

9) Wearing the mask makes me very intent on not coughing or sneezing. One, because I don't want to get any residue stuck on my face, but two, because if I'm going through the courtesy of wearing this stupid thing, I don't want anyone to think I'm sick. We all know the masks suck at stopping germs. They'll throw me out or move away from me. Unclean! Unclean!

10) If you're afraid you will get a coughing fit, maybe because your mask is full of fine little dog hairs, you may wish to have a lozenge. Do NOT use a menthol lozenge like Halls. That menthol goes straight up the inside of the mask and into your eyes, burning them and making it look like you're very sad all of a sudden. Maybe if you need to fake sadness it would be a good idea, but that's up to you. 

So there are ten things I've discovered about masks. What about you?