Dog cocktails.

At New Year's, the Living sections used to have drink recipes for curious and elegant cocktails to help with party celebrations. This was when we had newspapers. Also, parties. And celebrations. And elegance.

Also, these days when people do get together with adult beverages, they're more likely to bring some wine, beer, or fake beer product that they saw on TV. 

But my dogs are sticklers for tradition, and would like you to know that, if they were human, they would have been celebrating with exquisite cocktails made by experienced bartenders. After all, they are always prepared for high society. They may not have tuxedos, but they do have tails. (rimshot)

So here is a list of six festive cocktails -- dogtails, perhaps -- that one might wish to make, based on my dogs' favorite things. Consider them specialties of the house -- the dog house. Note that these have not been tested on animals, who shouldn't drink alcohol, or on humans, who probably shouldn't drink these.

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ASPHALT

Big dog Tralfaz loves to drink puddles on the driveway after it rains, and thank God I don't leave the cars on the pad to drip toxic substances. Still, this one is named for his tar tipple.

1 part eau de vie

1 part Kahlúa

1 part Jägermeister

Stir well in a cold glass rimmed with salt (for the rock salt used in winter).

SPIGOT

One of these will turn you on! Both Tralfaz and Nipper love to drink water off the backyard spigot for its refreshing taste, especially in summer. 

1 part Watermelon Sour Schnapps

1 part gin (for that metallic tang)

Splash of seltzer

Serve over rocks. My spigot is over gravel. 

BUTT

Everyone knows that dogs love butts, but they may not know that the butt is an old English cask, equal to 1,008 pints, often used for wine. So this drink includes wine, not hinders. Go ahead and tell your barkeep "I want a Butt!" 

5 oz. red wine

1 oz. vodka

1 oz. peach schnapps

1 egg white, beaten

Serve with garnish in a tall glass. You can also leave out the schnapps, which makes this a Butt Lite.

SQUEAKY TOY

My guys always love to play with and destroy a squeaky toy. Here's one that will have you squealing for more. 

2 parts bourbon

1 part maple bacon liqueur

1 one part ginger ale 

Twist of orange

Serve over crushed ice for that squeaky-cold goodness.

BAD TO THE BONE

Dogs dig bones, and what are bones but calcium? For that matter, dogs dig high-calcium cheese and yogurt. It's all about the bones for them. 

1 part Bailey's Irish Cream

1 part white chocolate liqueur

2 parts vodka

Serve however you want, but be prepared to bury whatever comes up in the yard.

THE THIRD FLOOR

My dogs spend most of their day loafing on the floor, which reminds me of this classic line: 

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor

So here's a drink that'll put the drinker on the floor too!

3 shots of tequila

1 part grain alcohol

Splash of grenadine

1 oz. lime juice

1 oz. orange juice

Orange slice for garnish

Serve in a tumbler with a straw so it looks innocuous. Prepare a space on the floor for your guest.

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If all else fails and the party is a disaster anyway, be like a dog and drink straight from the bottle. That's how they approach things. They may wear tails, but they're still slobs.