Victory speech.

I am pleased to announce the victory of my candidacy for president, on this very day, on this very night. At this very moment.

But this is not mine alone, no no. My friends, supporters, volunteers, bagmen, and others who helped make this possible, I say: This belongs to you as well! And we could not be more proud. 

As I stand here, looking out on all your masked faces, some with heads covered completely in black, I am reminded that 2020 has been a challenging year for our country. Disease, destruction, deaths, depression, downturns, everything bad, so many starting with a D. And yet somehow we don't count my Democratic victory among these horrible things. Isn't that odd?

I want to make a special note of our cities, the great and often empty husks of a mighty nation, where our party has been coming through one way or another for a hundred years. Good work, all of you! Many on our side were worried these past weeks, but I know an honest election is one that stays bought. If the other guys haven't found a way to stop us in a century, it's really their fault, isn't it? 

In the end, all it took was another D word: dedication. Also, a little elbow grease, a little moxie, half a decade of ceaseless protests, attacks and mudslinging from the previous administration and the last opposition, complete control of the newspapers, TV news, major social media, and universities, attacks from every globalist in the world, support from the nation's rivals, two billion dollars, illegal cooperation of the FBI and other government employees, a massive voter fraud operation, baseless impeachment, and worldwide pandemic and its economic fallout to eke out this amazing mandate for change. We fought for the soul of the nation, and now it's ours.

It's a pity that all the cities have been burned and looted, but you've heard that thing about eggs and omelets, right? Anyway, good thing I won, or there would have been a lot more where that came from. I guess those Proud Anon and QBoys are just to lazy to riot after all, huh?

You know, all through the campaign our opponents attacked my running mate and myself as some kind of crazy communists. That's just nuts. Communists hate rich people. We love rich people! How do you think we became multimillionaires on a government salary? Go visit one of my three homes while I go live in the White House and tell me I have something against money.

And I also want to address the Chine-- uh, COVID-19 situation. I want you to know that with my election, the oceans will cease to rise, the rioters will go back to their trust funds, and the COVID restrictions will begin to fade. Do not be alarmed by any fears of rising case numbers or even deaths at that point. I have spoken with the directors of the CDC, and am assured that all such data will be buried appropriately where it cannot harm anyone.

Also, we are certain that the economy will recover. In fact, we are counting on it. My tax plan needs to remove a tremendous amount of money from the wealthy, and failing that, as they usually escape, the middle class, in order to help out those who helped us in our election. Some call it kickbacks, bribes, or payback time, my friends, but I call it by a simple, honest, American term: loyalty.

So as I stand before you today, I admit our nation faces a number of challenges. Cities burned, jobs lost, violence in the streets, businesses folding, people dying in terror in their homes, police forces shrinking, economy in tatters, political norms destroyed, racial hatred, factories and jobs once more starting to flee to China, cancel culture poisoning our education and culture, an elite class that hates and lies to our citizens, our faith shaken in our governmental systems, and our domestic energy production expected somehow to drop like a stone. But I am reminded of a famous quote, one attributed to an actual angel, that goes: 

"Here we may reign secure, and in my choyce

To reign is worth ambition though in Hell:

Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n."

Good job, America! Let's get what's coming to us.