Presenting the Collection.

Have you ever read one of those catalogs of fine objects put out by museums, auction houses, or the like? The ones that present the objects for admiration or potential purchase? Coffee table books are often compiled in the same way. Each item is lovingly displayed with a great deal of sober consideration for the facts. These aren't sale-a-thon car commercials; they may be a little playful, but always sincere. 

The text beneath the object will say something like "This stunning 21,402-carat emerald, likely from the Muzo mine of Colombia, is considered one of the largest and most desirable gems in the world. Believed to have been owned by Louis XV, the Calliope Emerald is a trilliant-cut masterwork of deep verdant green with exceptional clarity." And you're saying, "Holy slappin' catfish! Get a load of this gigantic rock! What the hell is it? Mama mia, I could kill a guy with that thing!"

I don't own anything that would cause such a reaction. The only things I collect are books and dust. Oh, and one other thing: Somehow I have come into possession of a number of poop bag holders, those plastic containers that strap onto the leash to make sure you can clean up after the pooch. 

But in the spirit of the art catalogs, allow me to present: The Collection. 

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Item #23A: The Stealth Combat Container

This somewhat menacing container of bags is believed to have been based on ancient ninja "shi no unchi," or "death poop" designs. Complemented with camouflage sacks, it is the perfect accompaniment for murder or eveningwear. 

Item #19F: The Strapless

Composed in brilliant royal azure, the Strapless features a unique hook that has refused to remain clasped since 2017. A daring, even risqué item, this container is known to disappear without warning -- sometimes when you most need it. Not for the faint of heart. 

Item #57B: The Royal Canin

Royal Canin, purveyor of fine canine comestibles, is the creator of this poop bag conveyor. Notice the alabaster finish, the clean and simple hook arrangement, the way the bone end screws on in an unorthodox fashion. A rare piece, as the owner has been heard to exclaim that it would be a cold day in hell before he would pay seventy-five simoleons for a thirty-pound sack of dog food. A gift to the collection from an Anonymous Veterinary donor. 

Item #IP9: The Matching Red and Blue

This set of crimson and sky-blue matching bag containers in classic bone shape, shown with complementary leashes, is desirable for any fashionable dog-walker with a taste for bright color. Can be mixed, or selected based on climate or mood (of owner or dog). A fun fiesta of cheerful canine color.  

Item #LMNOP: The St. Florian

This unique and truly eye-catching bag container is known as the St. Florian, owing to the Maltese cross known as the Florian cross on the side opposite the dispenser. St. Florian, the patron of firemen, has surely blessed this item, as it has a flashlight on the bottom for nighttime use; it does, however, use a type of button battery hardly ever found in the United States. The Velcro strap is an ingenious idea, although the cap of the fire hydrant design easily detaches, and may leave one holding the cap rather than holding the bag, as it were. A fascinating item for any serious collector.

Item #I80: The Machine

Perfect for admirers of steampunk or the industrial music of the eighties, the Machine poop bag carrier employs a strong plastic strap on the top to anchor it soundly, as one might expect from a rugged device. The bags (shown here in steel gray) are held in by the firm rubberized cap in the bottom. A reflector strip on the opposite side has fallen off as a result of cheap glue. 

Item #8675309: The Jenny

This elegant case for feces collection, known colloquially as the Jenny, is a haute couture bag, not unlike popular clutch purses, featuring sturdy sewn straps, a long and well-constructed zipper, and a side dispenser for ease of use. The washable fabric is waterproof and lined with top-flight plastic. Velcro straps on the bottom are used for leash connectors. Overall a sophisticated and envious contribution to the collection and to dog-walking in general. NB: Dog hair stuck on the Velcro prevents proper adhesion, so the bag is liable to go flying off anyway.