Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I don't know what they have to say
It doesn't matter anyway
Whatever it is, I'm against it
No matter what it is or who commenced it
I'm against it

Your proposition may be good
But let's have one thing understood
Whatever it is, I'm against it
And even when you've changed it or condensed it
I'm against it

I'm opposed to it on general principles
I'm opposed to it...

The great Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff of Huxley College set the tone for my acceptance of anything in the media. Speaking as one who has long labored in the mines of book and magazine publishing, I have seen many silly ideas turn into fads and turn into "musts," for the simple reason that some ding dong had some encounter with a freak out there in the world who had some life-improving idea; with the enthusiasm that only the young and over-moneyed can enjoy, that ding dong sold her friends on it, and through the media it was broadcast to the world. This is how we get useless things like cucumber slices on the eyes and dangerous things like Goop. A few years down the line, when all America is enthralled with the dopey idea, the original true believers say "What was that all about?" as if they'd never been involved, because they're on to the next fabulous idea. The consumer can never catch up; you're always going to be at least one dumb idea behind.

This kind of stuff is big in newspaper features and women's magazines. You may find dumb ideas in Popular Mechanics or Family Handyman, but they aren't touted breathlessly as the best thing EVAH. Well, not usually.

So here are some things I'm against, possibly on general principles, but also because I think it's dumb and I don't feel like it. I'm not saying these things have no merits, but as modern Big Ideas they leave me cold. I've spent my whole life resisting peer pressure and I'm not giving in now.

YOGA
It is probably is healthy, and maybe it helps you relax, but it's not for me. I would look like an olive trying to balance on its toothpick. Everyone on the health-care commercials is yogaing away, but of course only a small percentage of the population is really interested. Most of us would just like to be less fat. We are perfectly happy to find inner peace in church and/or lying on the sofa. If you want a reason to avoid yoga, call it cultural appropriation. I don't care. Just leave me out of it.

VEGANISM
A doctor may force me into it one day, but it will be to save my life, not the cow's life. It's unlikely to happen anyhow. There're few health conditions that absolutely require abstaining from all animal products. Despite that, the news media and our betters in the international health community and the global warming gang want me to give them up. Well, I can be sentimental about animals enough to try to give up meat one day, although fish and chickens are dumb and probably need to be eaten. In any event, you'll get my ice cream when you pry it from my literally cold and possibly dead hands.

ELECTRIC CARS
I have nothing against the idea, but the technology isn't there. This little fact was buried for years after the so-called documentary Who Killed the Electric Car? came out in 2006. You want to know what killed the electric car? Reality. People have the idea that you can charge a huge battery by zapping it with the Heart of Atlantis, but that's horse hockey. A pal of mine got a call on the way to work recently from his boss, who was stuck on an exit ramp when he forgot to charge his Tesla. He was driving through New Jersey and the thing turned into a two-ton paperweight. My pal had to come babysit the car, and the Labrador in the backseat, while Boss took the company truck and went to work. Because you can't send someone to Sunoco for a gallon of electricity. I've thought a network of battery changers would be useful, but at this point you can't just pop out the old batteries and pop in the new ones. Maybe one day -- and maybe one day our electricity will come from nice, clean nukes or maybe unicorn farts instead of fossil fuels -- but that day isn't today. So the Tesla runs on fossil fuels and nukes anyway. So shut up and let me drive my car.

BEST-SELLERS BY CHARLATANS AND AGONISTS
Nothing is going to stop the liars, cheaters, carpetbaggers, chiselers, swindlers, faddists, and snake-oilers from publishing books full of lies, like some recent best-sellers I know of; it has been thus and ever shall be. But don't tell me to -- nay, insist that I must -- read them. Furthermore, I have no interest in the agonists, meaning writers who pack their novels with horrible tales of woe meant to show how the badass female lead (always female) overcomes all the terrible strawmen (always men) who stand in her way. I guess there's an audience for this stuff, which is paint-by-numbers no matter what the setting, but I'm not part of it. The people who are ought to realize that they're being fed an illusion as much as any Hallmark Christmas movie watcher. The difference is, the Hallmark fan knows it's fiction.

These are the bridges that are too far for me. And if you don't like my general principles... Well, to quote Prof. Wagstaff's twin brother, or someone who sounded like him, these are my principles, and if you don't like them, I have others.