Shiny.

Imagine if the famously strange Stanley Kubrick had decided he wanted to do a different movie and in 1980 suddenly gave up the rights to The Shining. Perhaps the film rights to the Stephen King novel would have fallen to the studio. Imagine further that, after a few years of kicking it around, a couple of producers in an office with a mountain of cocaine finally decide to make this project happen.

Gerry: All right, so who's available to direct this turkey? There was a rumor Kubrick would want it back but he's still sulking that his Napoleon musical was a flop. And after Maximum Overdrive, King stuff is dead. No one wants to touch it.

Sam: Good news, Ger! You'll dig this. I got Ken Finkleman. He's very excited!

Gerry: Finkelman? I loved Airplane II: The Sequel!

Sam: Who didn't? But dude, he's, you know, more of a comedy guy.

Gerry: Great, great. Look, you read this book? Creepy hotel stuff? Grody to the max. Who wants that? Couldn't get past page fifty. It needs some lightening up. You know, a little funny juice.

Sam: That's perfect! And hey, that reminds me. Guess what super-hot actor wants to play Jack Torrance?

Gerry: You don't mean...

Sam: Yes, baby! Only Mr. Steve Guttenberg himself! Can you see it?

Gerry: Oh, sweetheart, you're the best! Get his agent to sign before he gets away! He's the busiest guy in the industry. How'd you do it?

Sam: I met his stylist at an E.S.T. session and passed along the word.

Gerry: Always thinking, Sammy, always thinking. What about the wife character?

Sam: Covered. We got Shelley!

Gerry: Duvall? Are you crazy?

Sam: No, of course not! Shelley Long!

Gerry: Phew! You scared me there for a second, buddy. I need a drink.

Sam: Get me one too, will ya? Double rye with a splash. Any thoughts on the kid?

Gerry: Nah, anyone will do. No one else is in the movie, right?

Sam: Mostly bit parts. There's a black guy, talks to the kid, shows up again later. Got some weird power.

Gerry: Black guy? Wait a second.... yeah, yeah! That's it!

Sam: You got an inspiration?

Gerry: And how! This will be the best reunion since Road to Hong Kong. I mean the guy Guttenberg worked with from Police Academy.

Sam: Bubba Smith?

Gerry: No, no, the one with the funny noises.

Sam: Mike Winslow! Sensational! His agent and I use the same chiropractor. It's a done deal.

Gerry: Here's your drink. This is gonna be great. The one thing, though, is the title. Too... I don't know, doesn't say anything about the movie. Should be something more... attractive.

Sam: Way ahead of you, Gerry!

🎥🎥🎥🎥🎥🎥🎥

Trailer Narrator: Jack Torrance has a little problem.

Interviewer: So why are you willing to look after the hotel all alone for months?

Jack: Um... I lost my last job. Delivering home heating oil.

Interviewer: Oh?

Jack: I delivered it into a clothes dryer.

<image of house in flames>

Narrator: But things are going to change now.

Dick: Hey, kid. That thing you do? We call it Shining.

Danny: You do it too?

Dick: Yeah, check this out.

<imitates garbage truck backing into a fire hydrant>

Danny: Whoa!

Narrator: The Torrance family is going to a nice hotel... or is it?

<family in rusty station wagon>

Jack: It's gonna be awesome, you'll see, totally rad.

Wendy: I don't know...

Narrator: Some things at the hotel are... different.

Jack: What's this writing? R-E-B-M...

Wendy: What?!

Jack: U...C...U...C.... Cucumber backward?

Wendy: That's funny.

Jack: And look! E...M...I...T? "Time"? I don't get it.

Danny: NO YOU DON'T, DAD!

<parents stare>

Danny: You get Newsweek!

Narrator: Can a crazy family in a crazy hotel alone for the winter find true happiness?

Wendy: We have to get out, Jack! There's something weird about this place!

Jack: So, a little blood on the floor and Danny seeing some twins that aren't there. So what? I used to see things all the time when I was in school.

Wendy: You were in college and high as Skylab on mescaline!

Narrator: Sometimes life brings you to a pretty dark place. And then you have to reach for... The Shiny Thing.

Blogger's Note: This entry would not have been possible without the assistance of the lovely and talented Mrs. Key, who provided the title and some of the best gags.