Second-half comeback.

We're almost at the halfway point of this miserable year. I am going to be unusually optimistic and say that the second half of the year is going to be great. It can't make up for the people who have lost loved ones due to the Chinese Death Virus, or businesses lost to the lockdown or the Grand Antifa Barbecue, and I pray they will find solace. But what form will this second-half greatness take? Let me gaze into my crystal ball and peer ahead into the mists of time. I don't like to prognosticate -- at least not where people can see me -- but I will do it for the good of our nation.

Eenie meanie jelly beanie... the spirits are about to speak...

The latter half of 2020 will bring these amaaaaaaaazing changes:

🔮 The McRib is coming back.

🔮 Firefly will be rebooted but just as awesome.

🔮 All Fortune 500 companies will change policies from "Yes, Karen" to "Bye, Felicia," refusing to obey whiny leftist insurrectionists; this will enable smaller companies to follow.

🔮 AutoTune will be outlawed by Geneva Convention.

🔮 Stores will be so full of toilet paper, paper towels, hand soap, hand sanitizer, and disinfectants that circulars will advertise them being given away free with every $50 purchase.

🔮 The economy will bounce back like flubber, wiping out half the national debt by Halloween.

🔮 That gum you like will come back in style.

🔮 Starbucks will apologize for being pretentious slobs, and begin to repent by renaming coffee sizes big, medium, and small.

🔮 Twitter will suffer a major fail when millions desert the social media platform. When asked what else they will be doing instead of following tweets, responders will say "Anything."

🔮 In addition to jail time and fines, destructive activists will be forced to spend community service putting up new statues of the nation's Founding Fathers.

🔮 Fred Key's amazing new mystery novel, Dwindle, Peak and Pine, will be an Amazon #1 best-seller! Woo!

🔮 A huge JAMA study in November proves conclusively that the benefits of ice cream outweigh any bad effects.

🔮 The "Don't Trust China" movement sends shoppers shunning Chinese goods as much as humanly possible, leading the leaders of that large and contentious country to wonder, "You think we pushed it a little too far with the bat virus thing?"

🔮 Americans sick of sickness, violence, and destruction will begin to do something weird to one another -- treat them with respect.

The spiiiiiriiits have spoooooken! The rest of the year will be awesome!

Now, if we can only get through the rest of the month.