Fred's Book Club: I'd Rather Walk.

It's Wednesday, the Humpback Writers feature is here, and all is well! Normally I mention that there are no humps involved aside from it being Hump Day, but since today's book is about cars, you could mention the floor hump that every kid squashed in the middle of the backseat had to endure. But that's too much of a stretch.

Actually, I had four different books I considered profiling today, a couple of them quite serious, but the last two days one of my clients has been flinging work at me, eating into my blog time. So no deep dive into great literature. But no fear, either! It is for just such a situation that I reserved a true classic of automobile writing: Crap Cars.

Richard Porter, writer and script editor of the BBC's Top Gear, put together this lovely little tome with the Yugo on the cover to celebrate (if that's the word I want) the fifty worst automobiles, ranked from least horrible to most horrible.

"When it comes to picking the fifty unsavory subjects for this book," he writes in the introduction, "frankly, we were spoiled for choice. It was like gorging on the biggest buffet you've ever seen, and just as likely to make you puke." He goes on to note that the book specifies model years and types where applicable, to separate the truly awful from the barely presentable.

But note too that all these cars were in production between the years 1970 and 2002 (the publishing date is 2004); they would all have been driven by Porter and his gearhead pals. So if you're looking to see a take-down of the Ford Edsel, the three-wheeled Peel P50, the amphibious Amphicar, or your great-grandpa's Nash Metropolitan, no dice. But rest assured that the three decades covered provided us with ample crap. Such as these two:

Maybe your family owned some of the cars in this book. Between my family and the first cars of my teen buddies, I know for sure I have driven or ridden in seven of them, and maybe five others as well.

One advantage of the book having a British perspective is that the blame doesn't all fall on American manufacturers. Sure, the Pinto is here, and the Chevy Vega, and some selections from AMC, but the tipsy Suzuki Samurai ranks high, the Volvo 262C takes it on the chin, the Renault Le Car gets its lumps, and even luxury Brit boats like Rolls-Royce (the Camargue) and Aston Martin (the Lagonda) are fed their medicine. It's an expansive beating. And it is not without its controversial picks. The beloved Volkswagen Beetle

... it's slow, it's noisy, it's uncomfortable, and it has such a completely pathetic heater that on cold days you'd be better off setting fire to your hair.

and the famous MGB

... there are only two things worse than actually driving an MGB: having to spend time with MGB owners as they brag about spending fifteen years stripping down the entire gearbox using only their teeth. Or having your face pushed in a lawnmower.

are on the list as well.

In a way, I think 2002 was a good stopping point for the book. NHTSA rules and EPA fuel standards have forced all cars in America into similarly shaped lumps, so much so that it's hard to tell one from another. Since everyone buys them in gray, black, or white, you can't find your car in the parking lot. If it weren't for the dog hair in mine, I might drive someone else's car home by mistake.

I'd love to tell you what Porter's #1 crap car is, but I feel obliged to keep it quiet. The book is still available, and it would be like giving away the killer in a mystery. Send me a note at frederick_key c/o yahoo.com if you can't stand not knowing. I think it's an unexpected yet fair selection.

P.S.: It's not the DeLorean DMC-12, which only came in at #37, in case you were wondering.