Dog game show.

As my work has dwindled during the current crisis, and the cost of dog treats continues to rise, I was daydreaming about how to get my dogs, Tralfaz and Nipper, to start bringing home the bacon (without eating it all before they got here). Sure, they're cute enough to be in show business, but that requires something called "obedience," so forget that idea. And then I drifted off, thinking....

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Host Bob Animus: Welcome to today's episode of What's That Smell?, the game show for dogs! Can our contestants tell the smell? Let's find out! Who's up first, Johnny?

Johnny: He's a large hairy boy from New York, whose hobbies are eating snacks and looking for places to pee! He's here to try to sniff out some dough -- let's welcome Tralfaz!

Tralfaz: Yay for me.

Johnny: Facing Tralfaz is a ferocious bloodhound from Kentucky, who loves searching for escapees and biting them on the tush! Say hello to Sheba!

Tralfaz: Figures.

Sheba: I am here to win.

Bob: Okay, puppies, you know how this works. I'll give you a clue and you bid on how many sniffs it will take to identify the object. If you're wrong, your opponent can steal. First round is best two of three. Are you ready?

Tralfaz: I guess.

Sheba: I was born for this.

Bob: Here we go! This scent was found at the side of the Garden State Parkway near Watsessing Park. Sheba?

Sheba: I will name that smell in one sniff.

Audience: OoooOOoooo

Bob: All right, Sheba: What's That Smell?

Sheba: SNIFF. Smashed rutabaga!

Bob: That's correct!

Tralfaz: This sucks.

Bob: Get two more right and you'll move on to our second round, Sheba. Our next object was discovered in a drainpipe near Puckaway Lake in Wisconsin. Tralfaz?

Tralfaz: I will name that smell in... three sniffs.

Sheba: I'll do it in two, Bob.

Bob: Oooh, Tralfaz, will you let Sheba try or go for it yourself?

Tralfaz: Grr... I will name that smell in one sniff!

Audience: OooOOO!

Bob: All right, Tralfaz... What's That Smell?

Tralfaz: SNIFFFF. Umm... chipmunk carcass?

Bob: I'm sorry, Tralfaz, but no. Sheba, chance to steal?

Sheba: SNIFF. Poodle scat!

Bob: That is correct!

Tralfaz: Mumble mumble chipmunkinest poodle poop I ever smelled doggone it mumble

Bob: Sheba has a chance to sweep the round! Are you ready?

Sheba: I live to sniff.

Bob: Tralfaz, you'd better jump in here if you have the chance. Our third scent was collected in the middle of the Santa Ana Freeway, a mile south of Anaheim. Sheba?

Sheba: I will name that smell in two sniffs.

Bob: To you, Tralfaz.

Tralfaz: Aw... heckin' heck, I'll try it in one.

Audience: OooOOOoooOOO!

Bob: Okay, Tralfaz! What's That Smell?

Tralfaz: SCHNIFFFFFF! Hmm... Run-over barbacoa taco!

Bob: Oooh, sorry, Tralfaz! Sheba?

Sheba: Sniff. Run-over barbacoa empanada, Bob. With mild sauce. Wimp.

Bob: That's exactly right! Sheba will move on to our second round and get closer to a chance to win ten thousand dollars! I'm sorry, Tralfaz, but thanks for playing.

Tralfaz: Shoulda let Nipper come on this show instead, dagnabbit.

Bob: Of course you'll go home with a copy of the What's That Smell? board game, a case of Turtle Wax, and a five-pound wheel of stinky feet cheese!

Tralfaz: Why would I want to wax a tur -- What? Cheese? Hooray!

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Oh, well. We didn't get them for their money-making ability. Anybody want to buy some stinky cheese?