Odysseus: Oh, such a long and strange tale it is to tell, my dearest wife, my --
P: You said you'd be right back.
O: Well, Achilles said the Trojans would be a pushover, and --
P: YOU WERE GONE FOR TWENTY YEARS!
O: Now, now, my pet, I never said I was just going to the corner to get a quart of milk.
P: No, you said you had a thing with the boys and would nip out to get Helen back and --
O: It got complicated. The fighting went on and on. And that was just on our side. Achilles flounced off like a drama queen. Gods got involved... I even had to build this big wooden horse, you see, because after Achilles killed Hector the Trojans still wouldn't give up, so --
P: Horse? Wooden horse? You vanish for two decades and you want to talk about wooden horses? What kind, rocking horses? This is no time for toys.
O: Honey, please! You know I didn't want to go in the first place. I tried to get a Section 8 deferral but they didn't buy it.
P: You know something, Oddy? Everyone else came back ten years ago. Neoptolemus has been back all that time. Diaphorus's wife, Bernice, she said she's sick of him hanging around. But me, I get the only husband who can't leave a siege and find his way home. I just know you refused to ask for directions. AS USUAL.
O: It wasn't my fault, I swear! It was the stupid crew! We had this big windbag --
P: Yeah, I know about Ajax.
O: No, I mean a literal bag of winds, and my stupid crew opened it up and we shot off all over the place.
P: Smartest man in Greece and he hires morons for a crew.
O: Yeah, well. They're all dead now.
P: That's supposed to make me feel better? So some winds blew you around, so what? The Mediterranean isn't that big, you know.
O: Oh, sweetie pie, you can hardly believe all the places we had to go. We were brutalized by the Laestrygonians, trapped by a Cyclops, threatened by Sirens, drugged by some damn hippie Lotus-Eaters, captured by Circe...
P: CIRCE? That witch is the biggest floozy in the ancient world! Were you canoodling with her, you creep?
O: Well, n... that is, I mean to say... uh... Can I take the Fifth?
P: Next thing you'll tell me you were getting all cuddly with Calypso!
O: Um.
P: You didn't!
O: Oh, and we had to sail between Scylla and Charybdis!
P: Who are they, more babes?
O: Not, uh, anymore. They're kind of the biggest metaphor in the ocean. Look, I know all those suitors were giving you a hard time, but I really did get home as fast as I could. And didn't Telemachus and I take care of business? We slaughtered every single one!
P: It was nice to see you two having fun together.
O: See? Me and my boy!
P: You one Hades of a mess for me, though.
O: Yeah, sorry.
P: You never built Telemachus a rocking horse.
O: I know, I know... I was an absentee dad. Missed his whole childhood. But it was Achilles's fault. And we didn't beat Troy with a rocking horse. Baby, listen...
P: Don't "baby" me, hubby, I'm sick of your stories. You're back, that's fine. But I've been running the show in Ithaca for twenty years and I don't need you sticking your nose in, get it? You can sit back and king it up if you want, but stay on your side of the palace. And don't go sailing anywhere.
O: Yes, yes, I understand, Penelope. (sighs) If you need me, I'll be in the study. Al Tennyson is due at noon for an interview.
P: You'd better not embarrass me!
O: Yeah, yeah...
P: And I don't want you talking to that Jimmy Joyce character!
O: That nut? I hear he eats lotus.
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