Kiss da hand?

My wife got a lovely set of gloves for Christmas, quite glamorous, and enjoyed showing them off to me. She waved her hands in a most ladylike fashion, and I gently took the proffered hand and touched my face toward it, in a most sophisticated way.

"You didn't kiss my hand," she said.

"No, I did not," I said. "I heard long ago that one doesn't actually apply the lips to the hand, but dips the nose down and makes no contact."

I can't believe I knew something about etiquette that she did not. I don't know where I got that tidbit. but it is backed up by no less an authority than Miss Manners, who describes it thus: "the gentleman who kisses the air above a matron's hand (never an unmarried girl's) in the European equivalent of a handshake". In another place (I recall not where) I have read that the nose may tap the back of the hand gently, but I think it best to keep my nose to myself.

All of this brings out my own inner Manners man -- New Yawk Mannahs Guy, who knows how to behave an' stuff.

"Suppose youse just had some wings or sumpin', or maybe a greasy slice from Maroni's, always greasy in there, capisce? You're goin' to a fancy shindig but you think they might have dem little tiny little 'hor dervs,' like baby mouse food on a cracker, and you gotta eat first or you'll be stahvin'. Now ya mout is all sloppy, but you go into the place and meet some classy broad who holds out her glove like you should kiss it, you know? Well, you're not supposed ta go wipin' your mouth off on her like some pig, much as you wanna get the grease off. And you ain't gonna go blowin' your nose or nothin' on it, either. You're a freakin' human bein', not a cocker spaniel, right? Don't go sniffin' or lickin', just nod your head down witout makin' contact and then give back the hand. Don't go tryin' to hold on to it like a souvenir from the boardwalk at Beach Haven. Whadda ya, stupit or sumpin'? You do that and you might wind up kissin' da mat, like you got some other glove in ya face."

Kapow! Right in da mout. 

So as you can see, just because I grew up in the city doesn't mean I don't know anything about manners. I'm still a little shaky on a few things, though. I don't know which fork is supposed to be used to jab the hand of your buddy when he reaches across the table for the bread. The shrimp fork is too small, but the others all seem to work. Any advice?