Grumpy Elf answers your questions.

Dear Grumpy Elf:

Since you guys live at the North Pole, you can tell us the truth -- was Robert Peary really the first man (not elf or elfish) to reach the North Pole? Or was it Frederick Cook or someone else?

-Nat at Nat Geo


Nat:

Hate to burst your bubble, but no one has ever made it to the exact North Pole. We own it, and when we see someone coming, we just pick it up and hide it. They've come close, but we're always one step ahead. It's not that we're antisocial, it's just -- actually we are antisocial. Stay away.

-G. Elf

🚩🌐

Dear Grumpy Elf:

I need some gift advice. I have a number of people on my list and no idea what to get them. Plus, I don't want to spend a lot. Help!

-Percy Monius


Percy:

The answer is in your question, dummy. You have this list and you have no idea what to get anyone. That tells me you either don't know them well or you have no taste. Or both. Plus, you're a skinflint. Now, we can assume these people, if they know you, know that you're distant, tasteless, and cheap. Problem solved! Go buy some dollar-store junk, doesn't matter what, and stick it in dollar-store gift bags. And if someone is mad, or doesn't buy you anything next year? Another one off the list. This is a no-brainer, Monius.

-G. Elf

🎁💸

Hey, Grumpy Elf:

What do you guys eat up there, anyway? Not like you can grow rutabagas in the Arctic.

-B. Flay


B.:

Oh, you know, we have lots of fish, and we have hydroponic farms that work pretty well. Polar bears are tasty, but avoid the liver -- way too much vitamin A. Cute question, Flay. You're just trying to sound smart, aren't you? COAL AGAIN.

-G. Elf

🎍🏔

Dear Grumpy Elf:

Is it Christmas every day up there? That would be awesome.

-Cheery Chet


Chet:

Are you kidding? It's Christmas once a year, and we get the day off. It's about the only day off we get. It's nice to get presents -- last year I got four cartons of Newports. But who wants Christmas every day? Then it'd just be a day. Grow up, Chet.

-G. Elf

🎄🎊

Dear Grumpy Elf:

My wife thinks that Mrs. Claus really does all the work and Santa is a big stooge. I'm all in favor of a more progressive attitude about these things, but I hope she's wrong about Santa being just another old pale male, grabbing credit for everyone else's work. Please give us the down low.

-Cooper K., Carroll Gardens


Cooper:

"Down low"? Yeah, Grumpy Elf can tell you're really "street." Look, Coop, you can tell your wife she's misinformed, if she ever shuts up long enough. Mrs. C is fine, but she spends most of her time in Boca. Santa does all the logistics. The reindeer work harder than both of them but they're pretty dumb. If it were up to them everyone would get hay for Christmas. Morons.

-G. Elf

🎅☃

Dear Grumbly Elf:

Does Santa really live in a castle? They used to say that when I was a kid, but I don't hear it much anymore.

-Sally from Saskatchewan


Sally:

It's Grumpy Elf, not Grumbly -- Grumbly Elf works in Complaints. Or you could call me Mr. Elf. As for your dopey question, do you know how cold castles get? We're under the dome, sister. Pretty cozy here most of the time. Santa himself lives in a nice split-level, but I wouldn't call it a castle. He's not really a flashy guy when he's not out in public. You go build yourself a castle in Canada and see how you like it.

-G. Elf

🏰⛄

Dear Grumpy Elf:

What's this I hear about this Krampus guy? What's his deal? Does he really punish the bad children of the world at Christmas? I want to tell my kids about him but I want some backup here from you to really scare the snot out of 'em.

-Al, New Brunswick, New Jersey


Al:

Krampus didn't work out. Santa let him go back in the 1890s. A little too zealous. I dunno, he was my kind of guy, but I don't call the shots. Don't worry about him, though; Krampus always finds work. I heard he was a big macher in the EPA under Obama. But you go ahead and tell the kids that Krampus will whip the ever-lovin' snot out of 'em if they misbehave. Say you got it from Grumpy Elf himself. I don't care.

-G. Elf

⛇⛷

Dear Grumpy Elf:

Why does Santa wear a red suit?

-Tailor in Taylorsville


Tailor:

Because he's a Communist. He gives everything away. He controls the means of production and as always, the workers get screwed. They certainly don't get paid. And he's dictator for life.

-G. Elf

❆❅❄

Got a question for Grumpy Elf? Eh, sucks to be you.