Smile, bake, be killed in nasty ways.

[There may be a spoiler below, so if you've been living in a cave for twenty years and are just coming around to the works of J. K. Rowling, be warned.]

I took one of those silly online quizzes -- you know, the kind that show you Which Character from The Office You Are, or Which Pop-Tart You Are, or Which Element on the Periodic Table You Are. ("You're ZINC!")

In this case it was EW's Which Harry Potter House Am I In? Not the kind of thing I would normally do, but my wife took it and got Gryffindor, so I wanted to see if she'd date me if we were at Hogwarts.

Not a chance. I got Hufflepuff.

I've seen some of the films more than once, but only read the series one time, and yet I think it's fair to say that Hufflepuff, while generally composed of good guys, is the most useless student house in the Potter universe. One gets the impression of friendly, huggy kids who aim to please, bake cookies just because, and are the first to get it in the neck when the Death Eaters walk in.

My wife said I was being silly. I asked her to name a big-time Hufflepuff character.

"Cedric Diggory!" she said.

"Who grabs the Triwizard Cup Portkey and is immediately blasted to death!"

"Well... yeah."

He never had a chance. Unlike Harry, who went with him, Cedric landed right in front of the enemy and blammo! Gone. His tomb probably read "He Never Knew What Hit Him," like half the tombs in Hufflepuff Cemetery. (The other half say "She Never Knew What Hit Her.")

Other key Hufflepuffs mentioned in the series include magic plant lady Pomona Sprout and house ghost Fat Friar, two names that surely struck terror in the hearts of evildoers.

Everyone knows that all the action in the school is between Slytherin (boo!) and Gryffindor (yay!) anyway, and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws are just NPCs. At least the Ravenclaws have a reputation for being smart and witty. Hufflepuffs just have a reputation for being nice. It's the only house with a mascot that's a fuzzy animal. The others get a lion or a snake or an eagle. Hufflepuff gets a badger. Now, I know that badgers can fight if they have to, but they're not one of nature's scariest animals, unless you're an earthworm. It's not even a honey badger, which had a brief vogue as the Chuck Norris of badgers. Hufflepuff has just a plain English badger.

The worst thing is, I know I'm a Hufflepuff at heart. I like being nice to people, at least giving them the benefit of the doubt, and I dislike anger and fighting. I like baking. I'm hosed.

The old Sorting Hat supposedly takes into account the desires of the student, but that wouldn't help a bit.

"All right, Freddy, put on the hat."

I am strong I am brave I am smart please please Gryff--

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Bastard hat.

I wondered after taking the test if anyone would be honest enough to get Slytherin. The quiz answers were not phrased like "Do you want to take over the world?" or "Do you like subjugating inferiors?" but rather more along the lines of being sharply goal-oriented and not suffering fools gladly. Even then it is plain which answers would lead to Slytherin. The thing is, in real life, most Slytherins in high social situations (like an important school admission) can cover up their evil intentions very well. How could they not? Lying and deception are two traits that the evil love best. You may not be able to fool the Sorting Hat, but you can surely fool EW.

Just don't let them into Hufflepuff, okay? They'd probably burn our cookies just for fun, and we would get the sads. 😢