Ranking the sins.

We all have heard of the Seven Deadly Sins: PAGGLES, or Pride, Anger, Greed (Avarice), Gluttony, Lust, Envy, and Sloth. Some may call them faults, character defects, or poor behaviors. We know they're bad. But how do they rank?

For the purposes of our poll, we ranked each sin in order by the following criteria: Popularity; Amount of Damage Caused By; and Enjoyment Factor. Each sin got the points for its place in the ranking. The fewer points the sin got, the higher it finished. The sin with the lowest point total is... the winner, I guess.

Here are the results of our polling:

Lust is the surprise winner! Well, maybe not to some of you. Pride follows, with Gluttony edging out Greed for third; Envy and Anger are all knotted up at fourth, which is probably appropriate, and Sloth brings up the rear, which is very appropriate. Here are the judge's comments:

LUST: A perennial favorite, Lust's fun ranking helps put it at the top of the list. It certainly can lead to a lot of damage -- broken marriages, unwanted children, horrible diseases, poverty, prostitution, Lambada -- but that alone is not enough to propel it to the top. Lust is enjoyed by many even when the action it impels is not immediately available -- e.g., Obsession is a perfume, not a pancake mix.

PRIDE: The king of the sins, the sin that tells us that all other sins are our due, Pride always comes in at the top of the heap -- but not this time. Because while Pride is the engine that drives the motor of sin, it is only fun when it's fulfilled, and as the appetite of Pride grows with the eating, it never can be for more than a moment. By plummeting to fifth place on our list of enjoyable sins, Pride drops out of the top spot -- but only by the criteria used for this survey. Don't worry, Pride; you'll be back on top soon.

GLUTTONY: It's hard to say that a culture with an obesity crisis doesn't have a problem with Gluttony, so we won't. Obviously Gluttony is popular; just have a look around Disney World if you don't think so. It's also fun! People may abstain from other sins, but everyone has to eat, and only the most ascetic of us want to eat things that don't taste good. Dietitians and doctors would probably disagree that Gluttony should come in sixth for damage-causing potential, and certainly anyone whose eating has brought on heart disease, diabetes, liver disease, or other potentially deadly problems could think so as well. But being fat never started a war, and it's not contagious, except perhaps psychologically. Don't worry, Gluttony, we still love ya (obviously).

GREED: What do you get the man who has everything? Whatever the next man up on the totem pole has. Greed had multiple tines on its pitchfork -- it is fun to shop (for many people); accumulating wealth offers security; and it is a great source of Pride to have lots of good-quality stuff. So Greed has fun, prudence, and Pride on its side. Plus, it leads to stealing, imperialism, and cheating, and a great friend with Envy. No wonder it is so popular. It's just hard to pin widespread disaster on Greed, unless the one doing in the pinning is a freaking socialist Commie, in which case that sin is coming up next.

ENVY: Envy's awfully popular and popularly awful. The guy on the pedestal wants a bigger pedestal so he can look down on the guys on lower pedestals. Everyone can envy someone. As Benny Hill once said, "Poor men wish they were rich, rich men wish they were handsome, single men wish they were married, and married men wish they were dead." Envy has led to mass slaughter, wars between nations, Communism, and butt implants. If it were any fun at all it would rank higher, but envy feels like pain.

ANGER: You might think Anger should rank higher in popularity because so many people are angry these days, but our judges felt that while anger is often employed, it's very seldom enjoyed. There are those who really do dig getting mad, the ones for whom the fun ranking would be higher, but most of us would just prefer that everybody do what we demand and get out of our freaking way -- then  we would not have to be angry. Anger ranks higher for damage as it can cause any amount of violence, from a toddler smacking her twin sister to a nation going to war.

SLOTH:  I guess Sloth could be a big problem if you let the farm go fallow and die of hunger. Or are too lazy to rush to the country's defense and the barbarians invade and kill everyone. But it still seem like an also-ran in the Deadly Sin field. Thus, it was too lazy to climb out of the cellar for danger. And its popularity is pretty low; proud people are too busy to be slothful. No one is busier than the Devil. But Sloth also refers to mental, spiritual, and emotional laziness, as seen in the kind of person who thinks no one and no cause is worth disturbing his torpor. Add that to the number of people addicted to the sleep alarm, living in their folks' cellar, applying for unneeded government benefits, even refusing to help with the damn dishes, and we see why it roused itself to the fourth spot on our popularity ranking.

I'm pretty proud of this list, and the minutes of research and thought that went into it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get a snack and take a nap -- that is, if my friggin' neighbor isn't playing with her deluxe chain saw again. Although she is kinda cute....