Protestland!

Hey, folks! Summer’s coming, and soon your little darling will be back from college, ready to confront everybody about whatever social justice issue the kids have been on about in the last five months. Why not give them what they want this summer? Send your snowflake to PROTESTLAND!

Yes, PROTESTLAND, the Protestiest Place on Earth™! All the kids have sads that they were not able to be gassed and firehosed over real civil rights issues in the past. But at PROTESTLAND they can enjoy all the fun of protesting things without any actual risk to their comfortable lifestyles and inflated self-regard! Help them fight the white cis-normative patriarchy in a 100% safe space. Your little adult tots can enjoy themselves while you catch up on their laundry.

Here are just some of the attractions PROTESTLAND has to offer:

👊Wailing Wall: A safe place for kids to scream their little hearts out about everything bad in this bad bad world!

👊Nonthreatening Attack Dog Petting Zoo: Don’t want your child to face real attack dogs, right? With our well-trained attack puppies, they can enjoy the thrill of being hounded for their principles without actual hounds. Protestland Police Pups: Killing… with cuteness!

👊Sugar-Glass Storefront Smash: Breaking storefronts while running amok is dangerous! That broken glass can give you a terrible cut. But our storefronts have completely cut-free sugar glass, so your little revolutionary can crash the party without a bit of harm. Talk about your social justice -- you can even eat detritus! (Note: Objects looted in the raid are added to the price of your child's stay.)

👊Firehose Water Slide: 300 PSI… of fun!

👊Whack-a-Nazi: Who deserves whacking? Nazis! Who’s a Nazi? Whomever we say is a Nazi! The popular Whack-a-Nazi game lets Protestland Pals release some violence on pop-up dummies in brown shirts, white sheets, black shorts, MAGA hats, all kinds of things. But they have to be quick—those Nazis are slick!

👊College Admin Dunk Tank: Prepare them for the return to school with the Dunk Tank, just one of many activities designed to help them keep those college administrators in line. Hey, you can’t have a cultural revolution without breaking some eggs. Also featured: Harass a Dean, Bump a Bursar, and Adjunct Professor Piñata. 

👊Occupy Everything!: While staying at Protestland, guests enjoy wonderful accommodations reminiscent of the storied 2011 Occupy movement, only with working bathrooms and no rape. (Guards standing by discretely.)

👊Bonfire of Inanities: Every evening the kids gather 'round the ol’ fire pit and burn books, art, movies, flags, effigies, and other things that oppress them. Smoke filters above the pit prevent pollution or secondhand smoke.

💣🔥💪😊

Remember, folks, PROTESTLAND is the only amusement park guaranteed not to harm your child in any way, even by the simple exposure to the fact that decent people may have different beliefs. Best of all, you won’t have to deal with them for a couple more weeks!

PROTESTLAND’S A HARMLESS RIOT

WHILE YOU ENJOY THE PEACE AND QUIET