Things I learned the hard way.

There are different ways to learn in life -- you can learn from applying yourself to theory and being out front with research; you can learn from good experience, if you're paying attention; you can learn from others' experience, if you're open to it; and you can learn from my favorite means, doing something stupid and suffering the consequences. "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn from no other," says that Franklin guy, and maybe he should know.

So today here is the benefit of things I had to learn the hard way, usually because I would not read the label, listen to the experience of others, or follow common sense. I was quite young for most of these, but sadly, not all of these. Maybe this will save some trouble for you out there in Internet land.

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Don't take up smoking. If you never smoke, you'll never miss it; if you take it up, you can quit, but years and years later you'll still miss it.

Do not avoid asking the person on a date because you're afraid of what third parties will think.

Never put Dawn in the dishwasher.

If you want to join a serious league, make sure you are serious about the sport. Otherwise you can and will get hurt. And lose.

When cooking for someone for the first time, don't combine unexpected things, like peas in the omelets, even if someone else sprung that one on you in the past.

Drunkeness is never appropriate, except when everyone else is drunk, and even then some idiot will suggest driving someplace and it will seem like a fine idea.

Many college professors will not put up with sloppy, chucked-together homework the way high school teachers will, no matter what a genius you are, Precious.

Do not lose focus on ladders.

In winter, be aware that black ice is always an option.

Redheads are evil. Okay, not all of them. Maybe not most. Maybe I was just attracted to evil ones. Or maybe my behavior encouraged evil responses. Maybe I need to think this one out some more.

Never cut frozen bacon. Thawed bacon is slippery enough.

When you get your driver's license for the first time, pay special attention to turning lanes, speed limits, and your proximity to the car in front of you. This will save you tickets, money, and embarrassment, at least.

You don't see them around that much anymore in the era of the big battery, but: When using plug-in yard appliances, never lose sight of where the freaking electrical cord is. This is especially true for appliances with sharp blades, like lawn mowers and hedge clippers. Especially lawn mowers and hedge clippers. And especially especially when you're supposedly getting paid to use them.

Small children, puppies, and dumb people require more patience than you have. If you expect to encounter these, you had better get some more.

Limit the Oreos. Decide how many you should have in advance and take just those. That number should be in single digits. Talking to you, Teens of America.

Those stupid things your dentist tells you to do? Do them.

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Is this everything I learned in life the hard way? No, since I pretty much learn everything the hard way. I might have to visit this topic again.