Insult to injury.

So Santa gave a pack of these bandages from novelty company Archie McPhee to my wife a Christmas or two ago as a gag. Santa was informed that it was not a great stocking stuffer.

I can't imagine why. First of all, for novelty bandages they are really quite good, hygienic and sticky. As I type this I am wearing the one show above on a finger that got bitten by a folding chair. It says, "Thou art a foul-mouthed and calumnious knave." How useful! If I get into a fight with my neighbor again -- not the insane dysfunctional ones, but rather the cable thief who is fated to die in prison -- I need just look down at my finger to see what I should call him. Which, since it is my middle finger, will be upraised already.

But that's not all you get with the pack of Shakespearean Insult Bandages! As the box says, "Thy Prize Awaits Inside!" So it's like a box of kids' cereal, except instead of having to eat all the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to get the prize, you just have to, uh, get hurt a lot.

Fortunately, I do! And look at this neato prize!

Yes, folks, a genuine fake tattoo of an eighties-style boom box. Put it on your wrist and swing it in the air outside your girlfriend's house while singing "In Your Eyes"! Draw questionable looks! Explain to the cops that it's a John Cusack tribute! Arrange for bail!

No one in jail will mess with a
guy who has ruff tats.

If these things don't entice you to get your Shakespeare bandages, note that their bandages also come in other varieties, like Edgar Allan Poe, Abraham Lincoln, bacon, and my personal favorite, rubber chicken.

So shop Archie McPhee for all your embarrassing and/or fistfight-provoking first-aid needs. Don't let someone tell you "Thy wit's as thick as Tewksbury mustard" (Henry IV, Part II). Wear the bandage and prove it! Or something.