I know a lot of people who are happy to blame their drinking on Irishness, and at any time of year, not just St. Patrick's Day. I also know a lot of people who have stopped drinking who blame their former drinking on Irishness (sometimes Catholicism too, as if the pope forced them to drink). But do the Irish really drink more than other people? Or are the Irish actually sober as judges?
After all, ask any Irishman in New York and he'll tell you that this drunk thing is a slander on the Irish by the English. Note that these are some of the same Irishmen who blame their drinking on being Irish. But let's give it the benefit of the doubt for the moment.
Toby Young, British educator, journalist, sometime politician, and spectacularly failed magazine editor and scriptwriter, once said that "The English drink as if they do not want to live." Perhaps then the English are just projecting their own flaws upon their beleaguered island neighbors?
And what about the French? I edited a French cookbook recently, and apparently they put booze in everything. They will not make a simple side dish of rice without squeezing wine into it. They probably rub framboise in their scalps as a dandruff cure. They can't sneeze without selecting a nice Burgundy to go with it. Are they worse drunks than the Irish?
And don't forget the Scandinavians. They have had the toughest drunk driving laws in the world for a long time because they couldn't stop themselves from flying off the fjords in their Saabs without the force of law. A Norseman of my acquaintance once told me, "Norwegians drink just as much as the Irish, but people don't know it because we don't sing."
But none of this disproves the unspoken assumption that the Irish are the biggest drunks in the world. We need data.
According to World Atlas -- which may not be the most accurate but they seem to use good info -- Belarus is far and away tops in per capita adult alcohol consumption, with the adults of this Eastern European nation each consuming a quite-literally-staggering 17.5 liters of pure alcohol per year. At standard 80 proof (40% alcohol) for the liquor, that means every man and woman is drinking the equivalent of about 44 liters of vodka per year, or more than 11.5 gallons. That's a lot of booze. The first runner-up is Moldova, at 16.8 liters; in fact, with the exception of tiny Andorra (#7), the top ten per capita alcohol consuming nations are all Eastern European countries. Ireland makes the list at #21, in a virtual tie with Luxembourg, and Great Britain is at #25. France (#18) does beat Ireland and Great Britain; the United States isn't in the top 25. We try, but I think the Mormons and Baptists hold us back.
I doubt this will change any of the revelry going on today, but for future reference, if anyone blames his drinking on his heritage, ask if they are Belarusian. We should thus do our most outrageous drinking on St. Euphrosyne's day. St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk is the patron saint of Belarus and her feast day is May 23. She doesn't look like someone who would approve of such shenanigans, though.
Still, if you want to get faced on May 23, just tell everyone you're celebrating St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk and your Belarusian heritage. When they point out (probably with justice) that you are not Belarusian, tell them, "Everyone is Belarusian on St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk's Day!"
Just don't confuse her with St. Euphrosyne of Alexandria, whose feast day is September 25. Getting drunk for no reason on September 25 would be embarrassing.
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