Subway etiquette.

[Freditor's Note: Below is an entry I wrote for the old, defunct blog, edited and updated with more current information. The parts about stupid behavior by New Yorkers are, as they say in the trade, evergreen.]

Now that winter is in full swing and the holidays are over, the subways are more crowded than they have been in months. In addition to the working commuters we have the tourists, the city’s idiot students, the unfortunate homeless, and the full-blown pants-pissing bums (Alcalde de por Vida de Blasio's favorite constituency) zipping around our tunnels and bridges. Let’s all make an effort to improve our trip by following certain rules of etiquette. Ten, in fact, that seem to require a review.

1. No more garlic, people. We’ve talked about this before, but now I’m serious. Some of you are clearly scoffing garlic cloves like potato chips. And you may want to look at your cumin consumption as well.

2. Boys, the backpacks have to come off in the car. Ridership is calculated based on the number of people, and geared up like a one-man band you’re taking up the space of three. What’ve you got in there, anyway? A piano? No one is going to steal it, although if you leave it on I may open it up to dispose waste materials. Off with it!

3. While we’re talking to the boys, remember, guys, you do have to give up your seat for ladies, especially those who are old, pregnant, crippled, or carrying babies. Not just the ones that are cute. In fact, here is the hierarchy of who gets to sit:

Old crippled ladies with packages
Old crippled ladies
Old crippled men with packages
Pregnant ladies with packages
Pregnant ladies
Anyone carrying a baby
Anyone who looks sick
Old crippled men
Crippled ladies
Crippled men
Old ladies
Old men
Little kids
Ladies
You

Note, though, the trump card: Bums who have pissed or puked on themselves get the magic pass to go anywhere they want. They sometimes exude such fragrance that they clear out entire cars for themselves. You may find this enviable, but the side effects are grim.

4. One word: pants.

5. They’re not kidding about moving to the center of the car so that others may board. I promise you we will let you out at your stop. Grand Selfish Station, wasn’t it?

6. I’m sure your text conversation is enthralling, but it’s a good way to have your phone stolen. And it makes you less aware of the people around you. Which is one of the reasons you’ll get your phone stolen. Look, it was bad enough in the old days when you just had your iPod Shuffle on and couldn’t hear anything; now you’re using your iPhone to render yourself blind as well as deaf. And people wonder why accidents happen on the subway.

7. Begging on the subway is illegal. Don’t do it. Has it ever occurred to you that you would be able to make more money for the same effort with one of those… what do you call them… jobs?

(Side note: I heard years ago that taking pictures of bums is illegal in New York. I am not sure if it's true, but don't let the cops catch you at it! And if you are a bum, don't take selfies.)

8. The rat and the cockroach you feed with your garbage today will send its grandchildren to your apartment building tomorrow. I know garbage is an issue, with the MTA recently giving up its dumb idea to remove trash cans from its stations, an idea that maybe got you in the habit of tossing your trash on the tracks in revenge.

New York, New York, it's up in your face
People throw crap all over the place
It's like they all quit the human race
New York, New York, it's up in your faaaaaace

Think of the broader issue and suck it up. (I don't mean physically suck it up, but on that topic...)

9. About food: Food? Really? You like eating in gym locker rooms too? Or on the can? Jeez. I once saw a guy carrying a full paper cup of soup, no lid (he was eating lunch), on a standing-room-only train, swaying with his messenger bag in the other hand, inches from me in my good suit. What country could he have come from where that would be considered a good idea?

10. Public displays of affection on the subway should go no further than a fist bump, handshake, or peck on the cheek. No one wants to see you get biz-zay on the D train.

Thank you, and let’s make this a better, cleaner, more polite year. Damn it.