My cheapskate Valentine.

I noted last week that it was time for a trip to the ol' warehouse store, and indeed I went. There's just no replacement for a skid of TP when a storm is coming. 

While I was getting my act together on the checkout line, I spotted these: 

Now, you may think that this is one of those rants where I say that selling holiday candy early is a sign of the collapse of civilization, but A) it's less than a month until Valentine's Day so I consider it within a proper time frame, and B) I live in New York State, so I'm getting a good look at much bigger causes of the collapse of civilization.

No, my issue with this 12-pack of chocolate boxes is the middle guy -- the guy who looks like Mr. Incredible's brunette brother with the "You're Incredible" tag line.

Thinner, though.

I think I smell a cease-and-desist letter from Disney's lawyers on the way.

I really don't know how the chocolate company expects to get away with it, Disney being so notorious for suing everything that moves to protect its money-machine characters. Maybe they don't expect to get away with it... over the long term. Elmer Chocolate, the 164-year-old company behind these, might get the fiery missive from Disney and say, "Sure, we'll stop selling it as quickly as possible!" And "as quickly as possible" turns out to be February 15.

The thing is, kids know trademarks better than adults do. Mom or Grandma might buy that set of chocolate boxes and think, Okay, it's got that super whosis from the movie Ethan watches over and over, but Ethan and his friends all know that's not the REAL Mr. Incredible. "Grandma went cheap," Ethan mumbles in embarrassment. "She didn't get the REAL Disney-branded candy."

Well, Ethan, take heart. (Literally.) You're better off. I swear on my taste buds that the worst piece of chocolate I ever ate, possibly among the three worst things I have ever put in my mouth, was a real-life honest-to-God Disney/Star Wars branded piece of chocolate. If you like the taste of fossil fuels, you might have liked it better than I did. Just know that being an officially licensed character product doesn't mean it's good.

(You shouldn't have to worry for a while about the two other worst things I alluded to, Ethan -- a Flaming Viking shot and a Sputnik cigarette from Village Cigars -- dreadful -- fortunately I did not have both on the same night.)

I don't blame Elmer Chocolate for not kowtowing to the Mouse to spend a fortune to get a dumb Disney face on the box. I just think using the word "Incredible" was a little too on the nose. It doesn't fool the kids and it just pokes the bear.