Anti-gift guide.

You want to be thought of well by those to whom you give a present, for Christmas or any other occasion. Unfortunately, the message we wish to send with our gifts is not always the message that is received. Some examples follow, of course.

Gift card
What you think it says:
You can get yourself exactly what you want!

What it says:
This is exactly what I spent on you.

Sweater
What you think it says:
I love you and want you to be toasty warm!

What it says:
Dowdy broads like you need to cover up.

Keurig
What you think it says:
You can enjoy coffee whenever you like!

What it says:
Your coffee sucks.

Fitbit
What you think it says:
I love you and this will make getting healthy fun!

What it says:
Get off the sofa, lardbutt.

Large candle
What you think it says:
Elegant, like you.

What it says:
I have no idea what you want.

Beer mugs
What you think it says:
Enjoy your beer with class in a frosted mug!

What it says:
Have another drink, you drunken slob.

Phone
What you think it says:
Just what you wanted, my child!

What it says:
Now will you SHUT UP?

Jewelry
What you think it says:
Beautiful gems for a beautiful person

What it says:
This cheap trinket shows what I think you're worth.

Necktie
What you think it says:
You will look sharp, my man!

What it says:
Get a real job.

Chocolate
What you think it says:
Sweets to the sweet!

What it says:
A little something for your trough.

Political book
What you think it says:

This illuminating book will engage and enthrall you.

What it says:

Everything you believe is wrong, stupid. 

Cookbook

What you think it says:

You'll enjoy this new adventure in cuisine!

What it says:

Not everything has to come out of a can.

🎁🎁🎁

Of course, if someone on your list actually requests one of these things, then you're in the clear. Otherwise -- you've been warned. Maybe we do ought to just give people a hearty handshake and leave it at that.

That's a wrap.