The Mighty Unpronounceables!

One of the least-beloved Avengers, at least judging by the number of times the character has been killed, is the Jack of Hearts, created by Bill Mantlo and Keith Giffen. For a while it seemed that every time the editors would sit around the Marvel bullpen saying, "We need to boost sales! Which hero can we kill?" they would look around hopelessly, scratching themselves, until they all snapped their fingers and said, "Jack of Hearts!" But you can only pull that trick so many times.

Part of the problem with ol' Jack (as Fred Hembeck once pointed out) was the horrible complexity of his jerkin thing -- a real pain for the pencillers to draw and the inkers to ink. Apparently Keith Giffen didn't mind, but lots of other artists may have.

It's the outerwear that's the issue.

He'll be fine if they stick him in one of their movies. Partly because you don't have to pencil every frame of a movie, and partly because all the superheroes in movies wind up wearing black anyway.

But there would be a problem with dialogue if some other heroes made it to the screen. I wondered if there were any comic book characters with unpronounceable names, aside from Superman's impish foe from the Fifth Dimension, Mr. Mxyzptlk (which in the animated TV show was rendered "mix-yes-spit-lick" -- and aptly voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, who may also be from the Fifth Dimension). Considering that some fairly common words are considered hard to pronounce, and as such make for popular topics of general interest publications and dictionary publishers, such unpronounceables would make for an interesting comic book group... Just think of it...

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Colonel Onomatopoeia: All right, everyone, let's quiet down. Or shall I say, Bang, bang! with my gavel?

Captain Isthmus: Quiet, everyone!

The Sesquipedalian: Quiescence, please.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Thank you. Welcome to the first meeting of the Mighty Unpronounceables. Our mission, to do justice and good deeds to all, despite the prejudice we have faced due to our unpronounceable names. I am Colonel Onomatopoeia (that's kernal ah-no-mah-toe-pee-ah), with the ability to cause destruction with sound effects. Now, who else is here? You, gray guy.

Molybdenum: I'm Molybdenum.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Ah, yes, one of the Metal Men, I thought.

Molybdenum: Not anymore. They couldn't pronounce my name either.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: And what are your powers?

Molybdenum: All the powers of the element molybdenum.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Which are...?

Molybdenum: Anti-corrosion, high melting point. Good conductor of electricity.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Well... that's fine. Who's next? You, in the armor.

Conch: Conch.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Because you conk things.

Conch: No, conch, like the seashell.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Oh, sorry.

Conch: But I also conk things. I live by the sea. My archenemies are Boatswain and Coxswain.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Bosun and Coxun?

Conch: Yeah. I used to hang around with Aquaman. 

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Oh, not anymore?

Conch: No, now that they have this movie coming out he's gotten too big for his fishes. Get it?

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Okay... Who's next?

Anemone: Me! I'm Anemone, the flower-powered superhero!

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Sounds... Well, I actually don't know what that sounds like.

Anemone: I can spew pollen, change color, lash out with fronds, and I have a secret bract attack.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Awesome. You, with the... whatever that symbol is on your chest.

Captain Isthmus: It's an isthmus. I come from an isthmus. My home is an isthmus.

Anemone: And I'll bet when you get there you say, "Isthmus be the place!"

Captain Isthmus: No. I am too busy using my heightened combat abilities to fight our foes, those who would carve us off the mainlands to make an island, and those who would jam us onto one of the mainlands to make new beachfront property.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: That must keep you busy.

Captain Isthmus: Or those who fight from either mainland or both to take our land, or those who wish to sink us to open a shipping lane...

Anemone: Do you celebrate Christmas on your isthmus?

Captain Isthmus: Silence, flower child.

Conch: With fronds like these, who needs anemones? Heh heh heh.

The Sesquipedalian: And I, the Sesquipedalian, am present for whatever benefaction I may provide.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: What's with the book?

The Sesquipedalian: I merely indicate what I need in the Magical Merriam-Webster, and it appears, albeit temporarily. As long as it's not too intricate, labyrinthine, or enigmatic.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: So, like...

The Sesquipedalian: Entrenching tool, yes; aircraft carrier, no.

Recondite Woman: I am Recondite Woman.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: What do you do?

Recondite Woman: You wouldn't understand.

Dr. Otorhinolaryngologist: I'm Dr. Otorhinolaryngologist, with amazing powers of ear, nose, and throat! And I'm licensed to practice medicine in five states.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: I'm guessing that medical assistance is going to be needed with this crowd.

The Sesquipedalian: A specialist? How recherché.

Colonel Onomatopoeia: All right, let's talk about training. We need to -- Oh no! Ah-OOOGA! Ah-OOOGA! Alarm! Alarm!

Anemone: What is it?

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Look at the viewscreen! It's the Legion of Unspeakables! Anathema, Mischievous Man, Blackguard, Draught/Drought, Sir Synecdoche, and Mr. Ignominious are attacking City Hall! We have to stop them!

Molybdenum: How do you spell "mischievous"?

Colonel Onomatopoeia: Never mind! Quick, let's go! To the Unpronounceablemobile!

Recondite Woman: What's that?

Colonel Onomatopoeia: It's the Nissan Qashqai parked outside. Let's go!

The Sesquipedalian: Unpronounceables, agglomerate!

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UPDATE: Our old friend Mr. Philbin PM's me to note that Anemone should have also described herself as a "pistil-packin' mama." I'm so ashamed for having missed this gag that I will have to resent him for the rest of my life.