Holiday movie releases!

Yes, folks, we're about to enter that last big rush time for your movie-going dollar, the holiday season. Tired of the mall, tired of your kids, or just tired of life, you enter the theater looking for distraction and pleasure. Being that modern movies are being shown, you achieve neither. But thanks for playing!

Here are some of the big blockbusters and smaller gems playing this season at your local multiplex, art house, or in Redbox a week after closing.

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The Girl That Rips Off Arms: The ultimate kickass heroine, Slashi Jones (Alicia Vikander), hits the screen and everyone else. Mild-mannered Jones is caught in a web of conspiracy, and can only extricate herself and her father by cutting a bloody swath through most of Europe, Central Africa, and parts of Southeast Asia. Body count described as "making Rambo look like Neville Chamberlain."

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Muttonhead III: Plenty of Mutton: In the sequel to blockbuster superhero films Muttonhead and Muttonhead II, the titular hero fights his comic book enemies Pushbutton and Ragamutton while fending off the challenge of the usurper to his rep, the mechanical AutoMutton. Word has it that in this film Ragamutton kills Mutton Man, the 1940's-era superhero who mentored his great-nephew in the first two films. This time, it's personal.

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The Shopping List: Adaptation of Nicholas Sparks's best-seller about a romance between a man and a woman in the frozen foods aisle. Emma Stone and Chris Pine star.

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Rock'em is a new animated film about a Rock'em Sock'em Robot™ that wants to stop fighting and raise petunias. Voices by Tim Curry, Tim Allen, Tim Blake Nelson, Timothée Chalamet, and the late Tim Conway. Songs by Elton John.

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Twits stars Ashton Kutcher and Jimmy Fallon as two rich idiots bumbling after the girl they both love (Salma Hayek), each relying heavily on Ex-Lax and ipecac to subdue his rival. This gross-out comedy is rated R for "cartoon violence" and "complete lack of taste" and "earth-shaking stupidity."

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Ishtar is a remake of the beloved 1987 adventure film with an even bigger budget. Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling star in the parts made famous by Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman. Songs by Elton John.

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Bonebroth is a new film adaptation of the comic book about a hero who murders his victims (and anyone else in his way) by using his power to boil them alive in their own skin. Early buzz calls this action comedy "daring" and "heave-worthy" and "fun for the whole family." Watch for Bonebroth action figures in the toy section this Christmas!

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Bloodied Rainbow is the powerful drama of a lesbian trans hermaphrodite who can't tell if he loves men or if she loves women. But can ze learn to love zirself? Opens December 14; closes December 17. Back in March if ol' Oscar shines on it!

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Supertrain, the 1979 NBC TV series, gets the big-screen treatment courtesy of Sony. An action drama with comedic elements about the lives of the passengers on a huge nuclear-powered train crossing the continent. Look fast for a cameo by Governor Jerry Brown.

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Iztaccihuatl: Disney has a treat for the family with its latest Princess movie, the story of an Aztec princess and Popocatepetl, who seeks her hand. Through many adventures with hilarious sidekicks, Iztaccihuatl does all kinds of things and sings all kinds of songs. Several questions are raised, such as: Does Popocatepetl actually serve any function in this movie? And: Are there any cultures left that Disney has not plumbed, looking for princesses? And: Can we buy a vowel? Songs by Green Day.

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The Canarsie Job is a heist film starring Amy Adams as cat burglar Kat Canarsie, trying to steal an entire Banksy mural before rival thief Marcus Moyz (George Clooney) can, and before the wall is destroyed by evil capitalists (Ralph Fiennes and Howie Mandel). It's a cat-and-mouse game in the streets of London. 

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The Film-Flam Man is the moving drama of a film executive (Alec Baldwin) who cannot understand why the retarded nose-picking cow-humping trailer-park yahoos of Flyover America won't watch his movies anymore, and carefully plots his suicide over the course of three hours. Songs by Elton John.