I'm lookin' for pound notes, loose change, bad checks, anything....

Just a brief note today, my friends; I've been busier than a one-penciled editor at a metaphor contest. But I had to drop you a line about tonight's record $1.6 BILLION Mega Millions drawing.

And that line is: Sorry! I've got the winning ticket! Mwah ah ah!

Well, all right, we still have to go through the formality of the drawing, but by this time tomorrow, your man Fred will be calling architects for bids on my own Scrooge McDuck Money Bin to swim around in. Bezos has five of them; he can hook me up, I'm sure.

A friend of mine once took a statistics class, and he said his professor was of the opinion that it was worth buying into a lottery at the lowest amount ($2 in the case of Mega Millions, $1 for the New York Lottery); this because the difference between 0 and any figure, however small, was greater than the difference any two positive numbers. Buying more than the lowest amount possible was a waste of money, he said, because it did not increase your odds significantly, but the increase from zero to anything is significant.

Pace Douglas Adams and his Infinite Improbability Drive, impossible is impossible, not just highly improbable, and having a ticket takes a player's win from impossible to improbable. Very, very, very improbable.

Except me. Because I have the winning numbers.

No, I'm not going to tell you which numbers, because you would go play them and split my fortune with me. Then I'd have to get one of those small, economy size Money Bins, and the guys would make fun of me. Buffett and Gates can be mean.

I'm sure I'll miss a lot of the simple pleasures in life, but at least I won't have to avoid calls from the dentist reminding me of checkup time (because his bill hurts more than his drill). I'll have people to go to the dentist for me! Nor will I have to worry that the next annual car inspection will turn up a dead opossum in the transmission (expensive to get out). I'll buy the opossums their own car so they'll leave mine alone. And maybe I can actually go on vacation! Look out, Seaside Heights, here we come!

Get your tickets if you must, but it is a hopeless task. See you tomorrow, peasants!