New job opportunities.

The economy is buzzing along and unemployment has plummeted. People who told us we were supposed to be thrilled with never, ever having a robust economy again have now had to find other things to scold us over. While it's true that there are some jobs that are not as much in demand as they once were, like buggy-whip manufacturer, hamster wrangler, and creme-filling injector, there are still plenty of sensational opportunities for people with drive and energy. Here are five on the hot list.

Fruit Dot Whacker

Be the guy who puts the little pricing code stickers on each little piece of fruit in the supermarket. Great opportunities for those who have an instinctive eye for the location of bruises that can be covered. Future technology shows promise; it may be possible before long to put a pricing dot on individual blueberries. Start training now and harvest the rewards!

Seasonal Pop Rocks Developer

Pop Rocks aren't just for breakfast anymore--an insatiable public, showing the daring that made bungee-cord jumping a thrilling pursuit for .000000001% of the population, will always want to test its mettle against the deadly Pop Rock. And it's even better in season-appropriate flavors! Join the team that's working to create varieties like Love Explosion (Valentine's Day), Krazy Fireworks (4th of July), Spooky Boom (Halloween), Treez a-poppin' (Arbor Day), Flip Your Whig (Presidents Day), and more! Great openings for young folks with strong teeth.

Strange Hair Cultivator

The Baby Boomers have been the cultural machines of our society, and that's still the case even as they hobble into dotage. Watch as those rockin' geezers take on the challenge of ear hair, nose hair, mole hair, back hair, and hair sprouting in other weird places as we age! Yes sir, the generation that's putting the Hip in Hip Fracture is looking for ways to make strange hair fashionable--that's where you come in! Curl! Bob! Weave! Perm! See your designs come to life in this growth industry!

Fat Guy Lifter

Hey, you muscular young types! More than a third of us ages twenty and up are obese, and those stairs aren't getting any flatter! Lifting fat people up onto things is likely to be a goldmine in the years ahead. There are many, many things that fat people need to get up onto--the SUV seat, the spike heels, the second-floor landing, the buffet line--and you can help! Fat Guy Lifters can make all kinds of cash, and best of all, when you get the inevitable hernia, you can go on disability for the rest of your life! So start shoving your fat friends around now and get in shape to boost your fortunes!

Hit Victim

Want to make a change in society? Want to get half the nation to call you a hero for doing nothing? It's so easy! Crybullies have never been in so much demand. Just think of someone you knew twenty, thirty, forty years ago, someone who has risen to a place of prominence, and weepingly tell a tale of some horrible sexual misconduct by this person in the past. Watch as the Twitter mobs take up your banner to destroy this person's career, home, and family! "But Fred, lying is wrong, isn't it?" you ask. I say, if the person has risen to a place of prominence he must have screwed someone over; why not you? "But Fred, how do I monetize slander?" you ask. Are you kidding? I smell book deal just thinking about it! (Straight white males need not apply; all other eligible.)